An Emotional Journey

 folks everyday im dying every day i wake up with a small, bright, but pessimistic nevertheless, hope that the day will be good. I do my prayer, I write in my diary/journal, i brush whats left of my teeth. I drink coffee. From that point onward it can go either way - I can become very weak and powerless, or excited about the future, joyous (i think it might be manic instead. but i have to take what i can get). Called the uemployment place, fearing Ive lost my chance. Turns out not only did I not lose it, I also gain one more, on the 24th of March. I need to get my resume in order, maybe I can get hired! Maybe. After talking to the one I love the Most and her saying I shouldnt keep the kittens my mood went downhill fast, now I very pessimistic, I cant seem to find any hope, not really, just cant FEEL i have any hopeful options. Even though there definitely are, many.  I think it has something to do with me not having ANY support, mother isn't it at all, she can barely help herself s

 Fell thru on my big idea of bloggin about my mental state every day and what not. Guess this meant i was pretty ok during that textually lackluster period. and i was! coffee? no green tea and chamomile. that really did a good to my brain. granted, it also probably raised my blood pressure. But i felt good and capable, plus, unlike phenibut, that mix doesnt cause real dependance, as far as I can tell. Anyway, happy International Women's Day to no one reading this. today i wasnt helpful at all, despite the mix. it really didnt work for two days now. idk idk. Maybe its bc of how I sleep? But also I do like to wake up at 6am and do... ?? something? i guess? Mainly browsing aimlessly and playin games i dont really enjoy that much. But it feels like i am productive plainly due to the hours i am awake at.Do they pay for having an early bird sleeping schedule? itss 9:11pm and I will try to go to bed AND fall asleep before 11. Try. ALSO. i dont remember if Ive written on this already, but