An Emotional Journey

 A dream where I am without underwear in class, and its not a dream and i think about how ashamed i was in dreams like that, and how similar the feeling is now, in real life. And how i could just walk with my dick out, but id still feel real weird. And ashamed, in a special way. I decide I might, but then i see Dashka at the first desk and immediately feel and decide that i can not  do it, that she deserves better, that [she deserves to not see my dick for the first time this way], that its not nice to her. I sit down, with some black guy. Looking around for some underpants OR ANYTHING. There seem to be nothing i can put on in a good way. Suddenly - a towel. I wrap it around my loins. It fits me good, i sit back, relax, and the towel sits just right, hiding just enough. Even though it shows the beginning of the crease of my crotch - its fine, even Zhenya wore jeans like that.  I can get up and nobody will be scandalized. I sit back down (or did i get up aat all?) and its ...

 I didnt have any caffeine at ALL in the morning, after mom left I went to the balcony and had a smoke to Maggie Rogers and the view of Trees and Sky. It was really good. Promised myself SOMETHING. Became more positive about my potential jobbe. I felt at peace, at home, safe, like in all those balcony dreams <3 ,it was My Place Didnt drink no caffeine at all. Cicory. Sweets. I was sleeping a whole lot today. Most of the day and evening and woke up at 3am. Its easier now but i still feel caffeine dependent. Only one rage explosion. I don't know EXACTLY what helped but probably all of these things.  Also today was Easter!!! i feel truly Blessed

 Mom out for a few hours maybe i should smoke and see how that goes. i FEEL that it will break me out of this The Feeling TM hole, like will flip a switch in my head

 Just had a smoke, a much needed one. Feeling trapped in my anxious body is so painful, cigs help they really do, even if I get cancer further along the road. At least then I will have assistance of everyone I know. That's a plus. ALl those people who have too much work, too much whatever going on to talk to me, to show a sliver of interest, they will come flocking around my sickbed, even better - my deathbed. And outwardly sickly and sad, inside I would be triumphant. Finally they are showing me love and attention I need so. While I'm cancer-free tho, I am afraid of it, but it feels good to think about that. And now my anxiety has sufficiently subsided, for a few hours. Can't believe mom doesnt suspect anything. I am glad she doesn't suspect anything. Please, never start suspecting a thing.