Just had a smoke, a much needed one. Feeling trapped in my anxious body is so painful, cigs help they really do, even if I get cancer further along the road. At least then I will have assistance of everyone I know. That's a plus. ALl those people who have too much work, too much whatever going on to talk to me, to show a sliver of interest, they will come flocking around my sickbed, even better - my deathbed. And outwardly sickly and sad, inside I would be triumphant. Finally they are showing me love and attention I need so.

While I'm cancer-free tho, I am afraid of it, but it feels good to think about that.

And now my anxiety has sufficiently subsided, for a few hours.
Can't believe mom doesnt suspect anything. I am glad she doesn't suspect anything. Please, never start suspecting a thing.

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