An Emotional Journey

A timeline of my mental decline part deux Sex with K, Second Sex w K, fear of her getting herself pregs. Standing on the street alone feeling absolutely lost and devastasted by the possibility. Alena and me are Done Going off Anaph for the second, less fun time. Hallucinationat the Clinique. Losing my Papers Being touched by vet Being tortured by dentist Losing my Baby Pretty Girl Phoebe RIP Bunny possibly having the same condish (as of the writing this today)

 I went to feed the kitten this AM, a neighbour came in, i said hi, he said "mhi" exceptionally non-committally like barely even said it. And following him were a woman in a blue jacket, white hair, gorgon-like, and a man, short, i think in a leather cap. unremarkable. She saw a kitten and said soe=mehting in a A CUTE ANIMAL voice. I dont know why but i kept looking at them until they were hidden by the stairs-the man i looked only until a moment before that, even tho i was gonna look until hes gone.  Some time later I have found some wet dirt... blob on the wall by the kitten litterbox. or maybe it was before. Time feels weird. Then Ive found hmmm,,, i cant seem to be able to focus rn. Lets see. I have found the blob, i have removed it. then ive found a wet trace of some liquid poured or splashed on the wall where the blob was. I have dried it w toilet paper. but got worried that whatever it is got on the trashbag that was lying right by it. Later, i have poured in some litt...

 a woman, i am afraid, might come over for a kitten, uninvited. i foolishly told her the entrance number. and there is a way to save the kittens from her of course - take them in, for a day, two, a week. but that will stop them from being adopted by real humans.  I couldnt fall asleep this AM thinking about what i should do. get a  kitten shampoo - numbler one. i am stalling to not go outside. idk. also the anxiety feels like pain, it feels wrong to move, to do what needs to be done. bc i am not SURE it does. and thats the whole thing. i need CERTAINTY, dead steel certainty that what I do, what i am about to do, what i am thinking of doing, needs to be done. or it needs to feel very right. and have no elements of mental disorders. which, rare. as u know.

 The Feeling TM is here and its less and more than before. I try to not be terrified of it, of the implied future suffering, but its hard. It feels wrong to not feel afraid of it, stupidly. I will try to survive this, I will try to not fuck up, to get that respectable job. Also my spine hurts, which should make me not want to work manual labour BUT WHAT OTHER LABOUR AM I CAPABLE OF LETS BE REAL HERE? I DONT KNOW! I AM JUST SCARED! OH G-D, I AM SO SCARED

 Its hailing in my soul. It's a rain that's not welcome. Its cold and painful and rude and harming.  And unlike an actual hail outside my window right now, I dont like it. God, why am I feeling the way I do.

 I feel like a whisper of myself that i dont even like to hear, dont want to know, that doesnt.. even sound. An angry, numb, reactive, hurt, unsure. Not present. GODS im tired of it. That is, i think i am, its hard to feel even that.  I am alright when I lie on my bed. When I peer at my screen. When I play games. I think I need to do something, it makes me panic instantly. So I forget* I wish I could be something better than this.  *And wasnt it just like that when you were forgetting your homework tasks? Huh, kid?

 i dont know what im supposed to do in this life! I dont know how to start the life! Im very suicidal today mostly because of not having any hope. not feeling any hope

 Ok im not really good at this. ( suicide talk below ) I've only recalled I have a blog after thinking I should search for a Suicidals subreddit, due to, you know, being suicidal almost every day of every week. But this works too. Hi. Things were happenening, and they were not happenening. No major changes and yet some changes. No one is calling me from the many jobs Ive applied to aND EVEN IF THEY DID! I am fairly uncertain I could maintain a job. Does not being able to function on a day to day basis constitute an inability to have a job? Afraid I wont know the answer until I get to test it myself. *cough* second fucking time *coughghghgh* I am Very good at doing one task. Just one and I am fine. I can focus, I can strategize, I can function. As of right now I am under constant (emphasis) pressure of like 5 big things I HAVE to do. Naturally I am unable to even start getting to it. Please I just need one thing at a time and I will be the most successful person this side of Styx. A...

 folks everyday im dying every day i wake up with a small, bright, but pessimistic nevertheless, hope that the day will be good. I do my prayer, I write in my diary/journal, i brush whats left of my teeth. I drink coffee. From that point onward it can go either way - I can become very weak and powerless, or excited about the future, joyous (i think it might be manic instead. but i have to take what i can get). Called the uemployment place, fearing Ive lost my chance. Turns out not only did I not lose it, I also gain one more, on the 24th of March. I need to get my resume in order, maybe I can get hired! Maybe. After talking to the one I love the Most and her saying I shouldnt keep the kittens my mood went downhill fast, now I very pessimistic, I cant seem to find any hope, not really, just cant FEEL i have any hopeful options. Even though there definitely are, many.  I think it has something to do with me not having ANY support, mother isn't it at all, she can barely help hers...

and i know its gonna be awful hard. but it is better than keeping everything inside.

Going off medication can be scary. You were in control - or rather you knew you had a say in how you felt; but it was a choice between feeling good (or really weird and uncomfortable!) and feeling really really shitty. It's a safe thing, you know? A reliable thing. I am going off my medication, it has served its purpose, it is overstaying its welcome by a Lot. The one I am on right now is a last in the chain of many I was taking in the course of the last year and a half. If you keep telling your psych the anxiety isn't going away, attempt after medicinal attempt, eventually they will prescribe you something that will get its claws deep in your body. I wasn't told clonazepam causes severe dependence, not a peep about it, just a casual "This is stronger than your usual meds, don't overdo it."         Each next - mostly antipsychotics - was there to help me go off the previous one. Because they all created depenence of their own. Turns out I am terrified of commi...