An Emotional Journey

 We go, drive, to i think Japan and i stay the night in the haunted house, the women who come there, not necessarily aware of it, are in danger. some know. and i come, with no real danger for myself, bc i know they cant harm me. ive made peace with them (irl dreams, as u remember). Im very sleepy, and while i think about escaping, which might not even work (i watched Midnight Mess, the second to last ep, last night), and look at the triangle clock (remember? previous dream? and the wind-up clock at Kondr.), i slip into a dream. I think i feel safe, too self assured i wake up and im alive. A long dark haired girl, woman, is near me, and she doesnt have legs and an arm, the one arm is still here, "FLAILING". this disturbes me more than her stubs. ALso they are clean cut, clean healed, a long time ago i guess, they had time to heal. The ghosts, spirits, cut her limbs off. But it cant be, she was full, complete, just last night when i saw her. which made me think, i mustve been ...

A boy is in front of me. Familiar to me. I pick him up like K. I expect it to be harder, for him to be heavier. But he is really light. And he isnt surprised but really glad i did it. [This isnt exactly me but its not an enemy? not anymore (even tho later on he turns into abuser. and then - K). Mom is the real problem now in a dream. in the end where she suspects me and K to have sex, what with all the sex toys? somewhere in the long house on the side of the mountain.or hill. but i hide black dildo she or he or i used up my butt. its still wet with juices. i hide it beneath a normal thing, a sink but dry.] And since he is SO easy to carry I decide i can, i will carry him for a long stretch of the road. its a house actually (which means My Brain!!). I carry him with ease but i bump him into door frames, into columns, and each time i feel bad and each time i say SORRY im sorry! didnt mean to! And each time i think he makes me know its ok. and he isnt upset about it and he isnt hurt badly...

 how are A. and abuser connected?? in my head

 yesterday ive installed a faucet, with moms help. a dream where i use a underwater propeller (from Propell. its a handhelp device. u know hte kind). and it works! the steadier and longer i keep it running the faster. i need to either outrun someone or something, or dodge. also i try to use my feet to paddle, to go even faster. and it WORKS!!! but its like with the knees - hard to keep them going, its UNCOFMORTABLE TO THE STATE OF INCORPOREAL PAIN, i feel them being slow, slowing, and i force them, or RATHER i ignore them being slower and paddle them faster. and IT WORKS!!!. AND I SUCCEED IN THIS DREAM another dream. me and abuser are sent by my fam to go get soemthing. we are NOT on our bikes, but we walk them. like Bill Denbrough.i look at him, and am upset i have to be near him. i immediately decide to avoid as much contact as i can. silence! non connection on emotional level. even tho he seems to want it, to seek it.  I drive my bike, a beefy, green, sports bike, a muscle ...

 music of the dream lotus .... by Hayley Williams (and i will not compare other beauty to mine) start: vasily, he is trying to get inside or keep the door open. my mother just told him no about something. mom pushes the door closed but he still keeps it open, i join her, no wait i join before she pushes that hard. i really try but i realize he is really strong, despite alcoholism and age. I'm to my mom's right now. we are pushing together, but he keeps it open. i feel a bit of a threat. thankfully, yuri from the fifth floor and also from our floor was coming down/opened the door and saw. i was afraid he won't hear the threats of vasily but then that fuck did it again. and he took him.. by the hand? and started talking to him in the middle of our flight of stairs. i think ok HE can kick his ass easy no problem. I'm almost about to hear his life story. I'm at the store, the non-existent now one, where I've met that classmate girls mom. i realize i, we are safe fro...

 a dream where i am at school, its night or evening- its dark. I am about to get outside, gohome maybe. The abuser stands near the doors to the acting hall and the gym. He wants me to go with him. He is very insistent on that. I think at first i am like.. Ok. but almost instantly I feel i dont need to go with him. Bc if i do there will be people, and him, who will try to [my brain says Corrupt, and it is not wrong.], indoctrinate. Maybe. Theres a danger of harm. So i say I wont. I m staying. He is mad at me. I think. Does he go alone outside? i think. i feel relief. I go to down the corridor, into OUR corridor <3, I think - I shouldve/should next time just stay away from him, stay upstairs, hide?, go through the second exit. I feel like he will still be MAD mad at me, angry, but it will not affect me. ANd i feel a guilt of resisting the violence/abuse, you know the feeling. the disgusting I Must Submit I Must not Resist one. Fuck it and fuck him. I am resisting, I am hiding, I a...

 abuser packed its backpack full. But i had suspicious it took something mine. I politely and nondescriptly ask it about the contents of one of the sections of the backpack. it willingly shows. nothing sus. then i ask about the bigger section. it forcefully declines. I either sneek a peek or force a peek. ANYWAY when i do i find my books and all it's fury about being searched goes away in an instant. MY BOOKS, BITCH, HOW DARE YOU TAKE WHATS MINE. I pile books on top of it, drop actually. It's turned into a cat, Mulya, this time, but i know it knows what it did and i shouldnt really feel remorse. bc its not a cat.there are people watching this happening. there are not only books in its backpack but also food. my mom's food. I wlll never let it take whats mine (i hope) GOOD DREAM a girl, a neighbour? i think i came to her yesterday irl. we are on a trip. and people went along but we remained, separately, behind. she is naked now, sitting off the road. and i am writing her a m...

 A dream where I am without underwear in class, and its not a dream and i think about how ashamed i was in dreams like that, and how similar the feeling is now, in real life. And how i could just walk with my dick out, but id still feel real weird. And ashamed, in a special way. I decide I might, but then i see Dashka at the first desk and immediately feel and decide that i can not  do it, that she deserves better, that [she deserves to not see my dick for the first time this way], that its not nice to her. I sit down, with some black guy. Looking around for some underpants OR ANYTHING. There seem to be nothing i can put on in a good way. Suddenly - a towel. I wrap it around my loins. It fits me good, i sit back, relax, and the towel sits just right, hiding just enough. Even though it shows the beginning of the crease of my crotch - its fine, even Zhenya wore jeans like that.  I can get up and nobody will be scandalized. I sit back down (or did i get up aat all?) and its ...