It's Easy, With Lots of Mistakes

A boy is in front of me. Familiar to me. I pick him up like K. I expect it to be harder, for him to be heavier. But he is really light. And he isnt surprised but really glad i did it. [This isnt exactly me but its not an enemy? not anymore (even tho later on he turns into abuser. and then - K). Mom is the real problem now in a dream. in the end where she suspects me and K to have sex, what with all the sex toys? somewhere in the long house on the side of the mountain.or hill. but i hide black dildo she or he or i used up my butt. its still wet with juices. i hide it beneath a normal thing, a sink but dry.]

And since he is SO easy to carry I decide i can, i will carry him for a long stretch of the road. its a house actually (which means My Brain!!). I carry him with ease but i bump him into door frames, into columns, and each time i feel bad and each time i say SORRY im sorry! didnt mean to!
And each time i think he makes me know its ok. and he isnt upset about it and he isnt hurt badly.
This is about our talk with Sammy about Our Similar Childhoods <3<3<3

I let him go? and he immediately turns into Abuser. Still he goes on the way we were walking. I think i carry his backpack, like L's, i carry his weight.. i carry the weight of his life? his mistakes?
I dont follow him, I choose to go a different way even tho this one is .. better? or preferred generally.
Something about the gravity here, or the way the surface is interacting with my feet. I go left and go thru the doorway without a door. There there are two platforms, the shape of the sun panels in NMS, a abyss beneath them, a gap between them. I know im afraid of heights a little bit. And i feel that if i let my known, learned fear run freely i WILL, i MIGHT fall, i might skew.. the alignment of my body? so that i always skid even on a perfectly horizontal surface. I will always be in misalignment with the world if i choose to follow fear.  Like my MOM.

I know i can jump over the gap, can just walk over it its no big deal. Just without fear. Fear will kill me.
I need to write the letter to MG. (this is the thought rn, not in a dream. but might be there too). As i think feel these things, abuser/boy/K/someone good and bad is walking on the path i was supposed to choose, looking at me, i think intereacting with me with words or expressions or gestures? like they wait for me, or expect me to do it, or maybe come back their way.
I dont jump/walk over the gap but (oh also im not sure that the panels, the platforms will carry my weight, and not fall off. but i KNOW they wont. its just the basic fear i have, even when its not allowed to run freely). But i happen to arrive to our destination, which is countryside house of the professor,but its on the side of the rock. and vlad is there, and my mom is there. Uneasy atmosphere. The one i walked with goes away on an errand or a task, leaving me here. Someone suspects or will suspect something. Idk why im worried about it, but i try to calm down. And yet i find an ass dildo (do they come back to give it to me? i think yes, i think they find it). And mom, hiding, sink, all that. Then i go outside the house and down the path. THe end