An Emotional Journey

 я сижу каугерл стайл на унитазе и думаю о том, когда мне удастся вырваться. "даю себе ещё один год, до 36..."начинаю и не даю себе закончить, так как понимаю что это не правильно. это не поможет, наоборот. я дам себе время до сорока, думаю я  я представляю себя мягким (не комплимент) 36-39 летним мужчиной, живущим всё ещё здесь, stuck, с мамой. Пример для детей?  я сижу у окна на коленях, на чем то мягком, на шерстяном свитере мамы? и писаю под себя. колени касаются стекла. я рад что окно заперто, а то я мог бы открыть случайно. я спокоен о том, что меня не могут увидеть голым, тк моя писька в тени. я pointedly спокоен об этом. я смотрю, внешнее окно открыто(нет? не знаю что это). и смотрю на ручку внутреннего, и она повернута. открыто? я поворачиваю чтобы закрыть, и у меня получается его открыть. я закрываю и поворачиваю ручку в прежнее состояние. мне кажется я могу случайно его открыть. я продолжаю писать, очень приятно и свободно. но последнее мне почему то стыдно у о...

 Mom was saying i sent a photo of myself instead of the document i needed to send. it was making me angry, in a childhood way.  She came into my room and kept on. I allowed myself to throw nail cutter and a laser pointer at the wall, 1.5 meters away from mom. my uke fell down. She went out of my room, saying "throw at my head next", why did it piss me off so badly? why did i succumbed to the desire to throw a heavy hitting, dangerous pestle. i had an image of doing it right at her head, her head bleeding (or maybe it was later), as  was aiming, i think. I was torn between giving her all ive got, hurting her (the way she hurt me?? is that it), and throwing it behind the door/at something in my room/ but i didnt want to hurt (i meant to say damage) anything in my room and also i didnt want her to not realize i threw it. So i threw the pestle at the door, i hoped it would just hit the dull part and fall, or slide/ricochet and doesnt hit my mom. But to my actual surprise it d...

 Yesterday was a hang w Y., today was a fight with mom. She is insufferable. As i was sleeping she was, in her Very Sure voice, telling me that theres SOMETHING to it, it CANNOT be just friends. remember how she was with Alena's just friends? Arent you tired.  You cursed her out and you arent talking rn. Good for you. Stand your emotional and mental ground. You got this. I love you.

 Crabs! he brought crabs, but i dont know how to kill them with no pain. they lie on the balcony, on the metal grate shelf, i hoped they were dead but they were breathing. big huge crabs, different shapes. freezer! of course. i put two at first, then teres a bug,*i feel it at first, it was attached to me, i get rid of him and see that it's probably tick shaped. i look closer and it's клоп shaped. (recalling the clop conversation with vasily). it's bigger now.  bigger than i thought. it has three pairs of legs now instead of four. i put him there too, even though i didnt have to. i COULD JUST LET HIM GO?? i dont know how i ended up putting him there. it's bc it scared me right? it's bc i wanted revenge? or safety, the feeling of safety. i take one crab out he unfreezes a little and is alive. i think Maybe they live in near freezing envo, so this doesnt affect him. I put him back. i cant handle the pointy legs touching me, trying to get me to let him go, but i try to ...