im a violent child

 Mom was saying i sent a photo of myself instead of the document i needed to send. it was making me angry, in a childhood way.  She came into my room and kept on. I allowed myself to throw nail cutter and a laser pointer at the wall, 1.5 meters away from mom. my uke fell down. She went out of my room, saying "throw at my head next", why did it piss me off so badly? why did i succumbed to the desire to throw a heavy hitting, dangerous pestle. i had an image of doing it right at her head, her head bleeding (or maybe it was later), as  was aiming, i think. I was torn between giving her all ive got, hurting her (the way she hurt me?? is that it), and throwing it behind the door/at something in my room/ but i didnt want to hurt (i meant to say damage) anything in my room and also i didnt want her to not realize i threw it. So i threw the pestle at the door, i hoped it would just hit the dull part and fall, or slide/ricochet and doesnt hit my mom. But to my actual surprise it did, and it was so.. pityful, so "this is me?", i was so sorry at that moment (not in a normal way i think), but didnt say anythin still (didnt want it to be the reason i talk?), i wanted to go out there and say oh no i didnt mean it are you hurt, cup her hurt place on the back and be tender, gentle. but instead i wrote her a message saying i was aiming at the door, also that im sorry, its all in whatsapp

i was feeling angry/easily irritated since morning, i had coffee. didnt help the situation, strangely it happened before tea.

I am thinking about making a list of all the things that trigger violence in my brain.

i am an abuser.

и мне стыдно но я не могу это сказать