An Emotional Journey

 I am in my room, but not -  a class? There are several tall men, taller than me, stronger than me. They say if I dont ********** then they will ask the masculine guy (they alll are) (+some asociation with Vladik)to ******** me up. I inquire about Masculinity of the guy, and they say something about his femininity, as a (not unkind) joke, or like Dont ask about his femininity however, and I do. I kinda just say Femininity. To establish that he has one and that i think he does. They say they leave me for [some time] and when they come back I wll have a choice - to be beaten up [every break during 6 lesson day, so 6 times] or [something]. As I am left alone I consider going with the nice option, and imagine them putting their fists on me, on my ribs, face, the pain. And I realize I dont necessarily want that but I maybe need it, for transformation, that this is how i CAN go, be, that I WILL survive this, it wont kill me and theres no reason to choose the other, nicer option, the...

 I didnt have any caffeine at ALL in the morning, after mom left I went to the balcony and had a smoke to Maggie Rogers and the view of Trees and Sky. It was really good. Promised myself SOMETHING. Became more positive about my potential jobbe. I felt at peace, at home, safe, like in all those balcony dreams <3 ,it was My Place Didnt drink no caffeine at all. Cicory. Sweets. I was sleeping a whole lot today. Most of the day and evening and woke up at 3am. Its easier now but i still feel caffeine dependent. Only one rage explosion. I don't know EXACTLY what helped but probably all of these things.  Also today was Easter!!! i feel truly Blessed