An Emotional Journey

Right before this scene below I have a bottle of a murky liquid in my hands, in a bottle or some long square container with open top. Its green-ish grey. Mom says its a poison. But ive already taken a sip, on accident, i think, and im fine. She says something, but im getting impatient bc she doesnt understand. Its NOT what she says it is, what she claims it is. She is wrong. And in my hand its a tiret for washing machines (again? i wanted to type Again), and im trying to show it to mom like Look! see now? [maybe in a If it was poison i wouldve died already  Way? But what im holding in my hand rn IS poisonous, or toxic idk. Did she do it? or like Did it change because i was a subject to her opinion?] Plus, theres a car, im not sure of the model. or rather mom isnt. is it mom? anyway, its emblem is three small squares arranged in a triangle or pyramid shape. Im watching brand new cherry flavor and Lisas car logo has reminded me of it. The model of car is a point of contention between us.

 Anxious about tomorrow's date with Anya, she does seem weird. I hope she will quench my fears and is a lovely lady and actually respects boundaries not only firmly established but also those vaguelly hinted at. I need friends and good experiences now, very much. I dont want the dacha thing repeated, i dont want regrets. Plus she positions herself as a mistress. And im averted to that, when it comes to me. But also she says boundaries are important to her SO. Let the tree show what it is.

 I come into class, its a test time or a creative writing time. I seem to be of importance. I am looking for a seat to take. positions of ppl change slightly while i do. i want to take the back seat of course, since thats the one ive always had, its where im comfortable. but girls are already now sitting there. I take off my [leather jacket][it has a hoodie now?] and looking somewhere to hang it. They, for some reason, get up and, with straight [maybe slightly annoyed or angry. but not threatening] face encourage me to hang it above them. i did not expect that and i hesitate - it would hang over their heads and its not the best.  I look to the right (left, the left row), and theres [BUT FIRST- finding the right seat] im looking at seats. i can sit here, middle row the middle, empty seat, table, someone is in front MAYBE but not certain. But i really dislike the [vibe] of sitting there, in the middle of it. But im still considering it. and since theres something about the chair that i c

me and my abuser sit down on a couch, we are wearing the same jean costume. i tell him something along the lines of "even tho u are not as bad as ****** it's still ********". he is more wholesome now. he is no longer a threat, at least not to the former extend. this is something about k's dad and k's abuser. we are wearing her dad's jean suits. i am bringing back the pig. ok so the pig is hungry. i desire to feed him or her. it's a cold day, gloomy. i realize i can. i pour the food into the troath(or whatever u can the long feeding thing). i worry that he will eat the hairs, the sand particles and stuff. he is eating and I'm still worrying.  he is almost done with it and i desire to refill it, but he is still eating. i notice it's almost no food, just water. he is still eating drinking it regardless. (there was this water with food there before. i didn't add any. i did nothing)(but maybe that's enough). i don't give more food as i exit

 Anxiety masqurading as a premonition. Yesterday was good for my brain, today i am worried again, more insidiously than ever (almost) that me and K's secret will be uncovered. I seem to worry about the abuser. And pregnancy maybe too. But also, deeper, i am worried about K. Pls, for the love of Creator, be safe, K.

 drones, alien hall, Ash the cat and a not bad man trying to get into an opening in a game and i help them. it didn't break the rules but they didn't like it much, even tho they were right there, they could have just climbed up from the stick. (like poop from Nightbooks). they are in and we are flying and shooting drones? Cynthia. her perfect body. can't remember the first part. second - godjira, costumed people. the Rock. horrible dirty mothra. i move away each time he moves. first time - after he touches thick cables that have something to do with godjira. godjira was smoothing out his armor, from the ready position to smooth. i touch the cable and while it's nothing special, dirrty wise, i despise, am disgusted by, the oily touch he left on the cable (like the condoms I've used with k, and myself.). i think about washing hands and for now - not using the one I've touched it with.  when he is done with the costume he moves out of his place and i move far from

Saw a a dream in the evening where I am about to have sex with Nicole, and i feel IMMENSE relief. also saw actors and musicians and some randoes having sex on our green sofa. bc "no one was seeing them doing it" or something, it was an empty place from time to time. it was lonely. (?). then i saw limp wrist band album cover with 4 bears, and the bears i also saw in that dream. later on, Anya from feelds texted me, apparently happy to talk to me. Also ive talked to Anna about pregnancy scare, bc it felt like the "Ive sent you three boats" situation, considering. she sent me a pic of covid test, that looked like pregnancy test, and said as much. SIGN! Anya wanted to add me on IG bt i told her its for family, AND SHE DIDNT PUSH (only once, b4 reading the message about Fam Only) I stood up for myself! very good, me. Sent Nicole my dream. but it wasnt entirely her also, some softer.. darker? woman was a part of it.. could it be a mix of K.? i hope not! K told me they are

 ok this ddream MADE me get up rn, at 9pm, while i was listening to a podcast,  this seems simportant We are moving things, a house? from a house to a house. Sam is here, Phoebe Bridgers... She is ... Idk what she does in the dream. but she is so important (a dream after a night ive seen her on Pitchfork and cried). Moving a whole corner of the hosue witha  table in it - You say its easier to move a table like this than separately. I fully believe your words. Before that - a part of the house and a chair. so htat we dont have to move it on its own. A house by a lake in a town. Its a sunny day.  I come up to Taylor and Miriam - T is on the other side a of a kolyuchaya fence, but its for animals and not that violent its perfectly ok. We talk about something maybe Phoebe. I leave T a big branch of yellow small flowers, but ive only small branch left, as to not offend M i leave it on the thorns, on the corner. this seems much better. I decide to give her an equally big branch as T's la

 slumped, gaunt, after lying in bed in (not)agony. fever, my lopatka is protruding. i look skinnier. (this is about my possible impregnation of K)(thinking about it a lot this morning in my bed) (which makes me weaker?)(but "mom is wrong about my.. situation"? or me"). it's hard to keep posture, it goes straight back to slumped. and hard to breath? or breath deep. (hard to think deep within a problem?) it's like im one of those sick infected (with some respiratory illness) boys (in the foster home?). also I'm taller. and remind myself of that tai box guy, slumped, fast. but me I'm weaker. even tho i have muscles already! it's hard flexing them now.  and it's all bc I've lied in bed surviving the illness? it doesn't work? you've decided to do it? and other questions like that from my mother as in trying to fix the green curtain, is strangely stuck above. i am inpatient with mom, but don't show it overly much. "want to show(it)

 i go own into a pool where an anima, a wild animal lives, a bear. pppl tell me to get out, but i think im sure i can handle him.  he starts biting me. gentle at first. i am feeling able to control the situation. tben harder and more agressive, the first time was almost gentle. then even harder and he holds. i start panicking JUST A LITTLE. but still believe i can get out easily, i can reason. then the final time it feels that he DOES mean business and wants to eat me. doesnt want to just play and be friends, wants me to die here. im looking for the exit stairs from the pool (of white-murky water), hoping he wont be able to follow. I just need for him to let me go.  I think i escape. I do feel stupid, and not, for trying it. is this about the k-abuser?

 I'm mapping out the place, the forest. with circles like points of teleportation in VR. and routes for walking. at first I'm putting the circles without any rhyme or reason, bc i don't yet know their purpose. then i realize that they are important and need to be put on the important parts of the road, so that others could see and use them(it's about how i use my brain, trauma, to help others. is this too big words to use). i use (telekinesis or something) to draw the lines, but then decide to use my feet too, and it turns out to be more fun, and also not ineffective! but i still use (telekinesis, vr controller) to place the rings  the goal is to make myself and help ppl get to the exit, to the train station to the left of the forest. there are also other points of interest. none of them are bad. there are other ppl here, but not really here yet. mom is here, not too corporeally, but here. a big old tree. "what if branches are weak? what if they break?" but i

 balcony Im climbing off the balcony AGAIN, but these times its easier. its.. softer to the emotions, its nice. It is in a far worse state than ever before,plants are growing in it, on it, the joints (quoate unquoate) are far off the walls, and i feel light anxiety about it, but also I DONT GO OUT ON THE BALCONY AT ALL ANYMORE SO ITS ALRIGHT AND I SHOULDNT WORRY TOO MUCH, IT CAN HANDLE THE CATS, (this feels important. WHAT is Going out on the Balcony?). Suddenly there is a gift, a mecha legs, that now stand on the right half of the baclony (left from where i look at it, where i stand), and i realize i can attach them to the bottom of the balc, (i ve been thinking about columns or some such earlier in a dream, to keep the balc up, to keep it safe. but was worried about ppl being able to climb up on them, but also it felt not too srs. ive had some other idea like that too). and it can walk, of course the other half will remain in its delapidated state but it wont be too bad, bc this will