An Emotional Journey

 I am on a train going thru a large area of lakes and swamps. I see a woman and a man lying on an artificial lily pad, wait no they are not lying (the last couple does), they are sitting and talking, in privacy and solitude. I think to myself Wow she really trusts this man - to be alone with him out here, so far away from everyone. Then, a bush away, theres another person, eating? sleeping?. I think thats pretty close, they arent that far away. I see empty lilypads and turns out they are covered in dried grass. I feel ew about it, no one changes the "bedding", and people lie on those, feeling like i did about that video of a family going to Coney Island. Just a wee bit jealous? The bedding i see now has some alum foil on it, trash, maybe some skin grease stained grass. There are others close by, that are very similar. Also Im scrubbing the wall perpendicular to me, small wall, satisfyingly with the scrubbing tool from the fridge.  The train stops. My cup (the one that grew ma

 Dans Paris, daytime, sandy beach, sand shouldnt touch water, sand waterphobic, but gets grey if too much time with water, going on a ride with a group of men, a Cold Tunnel thats very short, then back. I built a spiral staircase tower. Minecraft. FPS - koh, I am not much of a sharpshooter but I get gold, I am the last man standing, i watch the screen and the results. I stand on my knees on my bed in the direction opposite to the one in the Good Dream where i was writing in the Good Notebook, im not praying but maybe. I look up - its high, the ceiling is so high its invisible and dark, i ponder the stairs. I stand by the (выпь) thats small and toyish and dry. Then its to my left, big, human sized, but still not much alive. I go out of My Roo (different), A bookcase/wardrobe training machine of the same looking parts as the bed ive slept on in the 11th grade (some K reference and K abuser reference?), We finally are moving it to ...Spalnya!, a big change from when it was occupying the h

 !!! I saw Murzik today!  I was trying to slide/snowboard down a gothic cathedral thing rooftop (spiky!), i did slide down some roof, but not the one i was now standing on, I was thinking It cannot be that impossible RIGHT? And I even imagined doing that. There were ppl around, not too close, in the vicinity. And mom too. And I imagined already getting down there, a man was there, in some sporty/spy uniform, not an enemy, OH WAIT YES AN ENEMY. I was in overwatch! and it was when.. before i didnt slide but did slide. He was a sniper and i was supposed to take him down. I was Zen and i did shoot and was relieved it didnt somehow make a sound. He didnt hear me coming. And i charged, and shot at him but not AT him, i missed the first few, but i hoped i have enough to finish him. Well, dear listener, I did not, and while he didnt react I have decided that I cannot take him down? I dont have the weaponry enough to do it? I know i shouldnt have even attempted it in the first place! And I deci

 she (?) replied "don't write to me". and at first i felt relief!  AS I SHOULD but now my anxiety is spiking FOR NO GOOD FCKNIGN REASON maybe it always does this, it definitely did this a few times in the past. I need time to process and restructure

 ok so. ive decided. since hte concept of virginity is made up, i can have my own spin on it, just like other ppl dont lose virg just by having oral or anal sex. hey, i didnt think about it b4 ive started this. so maybe sex w coussn is just like that. especially so bad and so fully regretted.  i should fully want it, it shoulsnt be morally or otherwise regrettable or harmful, it SHOULD FEEL REAL. it can feel unreal too, but it should be filled with Good Feelings! I dont want the repeating of this horror. i wish her the freedom and i wish myself to be free from her.  it a good morning

 Saw a dream where Ive decided that If I Dont Do SOmething I Wont Do Anything, and I Need to Go Work at D*d* Pi*za. Like "the only thing stopping me from [blank] is me not going there" In another dream I smoked a cigar and offered it to someone but they didnt want. Also was starting a fight with dm*tr* and he was ANGY but i was So Sure of my own power, of my skills, of me being safe, that i kept... i think swinging? or even hitting him. he was gray in color and like airbrushed, metallic. but fundamentally Weak.

 But this is what the blog is for - things I dont want to think about. I am thinking about K and the p-scare, im thinking about her being obsessed with me, hopefully not in l*ve.  I told her she needs a real help and the only thing she replied with was Listen are u ok? no, no i am not. dont talk to me unless i can help. and u are willing to do the work. this always feels egotistic when I am trying to protect myself and my sanity from her these days. Like she IS in a bad situation and she IS swiss idol. But i am on a duty to protect myself. Bc if I dont NOBODY will, among humans anyway. And Jesus did say something about helping oneself first, right? Did I imagine this? Also that Oxygen Mask On Self First thing. Which totally make sense. I promised to not allow myself to be emotional with her, by which i most probably mean emotionally connected. I am now supposed to be a cold helper, but only if theres a solid way I can help. And not in a YOU CAN BREAK YOURSELF IF THAT MEANS HELPING HER

K called on telegram, i dont have it on the phone so i didnt asnwer. i am not going to get it to my phone, bc i dont want to talk to her. this is egotistic, this might be damaging to her. but i dont seem to care. im burnt out with her. i have no desire to talk to her. but i wish her well, i wish her a happy and free life. i wont text back, not only bc the abuser might see.

 I masturbate a woman in a subway car, she is unemotional, so am i, even if i try to make her cum. a man is a cab i thouht-hoped was empty. he approaches us and asks to join, i am trying to postpoen his joining, or like his touching her, i dont wanna be close to him, im like Just a minute just a second man wait a second. and he doesnt come close, but suddenly he say While I wait Ill take a leak. and he does, CLOSE TO US and its like in those two dreams, but irl!! (in a dream i didt know its a dream), I am like NO!!! I am trying to pass him by real fast, so little of his additional urine touches me, he is further from me than he was before, he is coming close FAST, with his STRONG mustardy-yellow-brown stream, he aims at me, he laffs, he enjoys it, he doesnt let me pass unscathed. even after i pass him his aim finds me, and i am .. whats despnondent and panicking? together? i forgot the word. VERY disturbed and emtioanl. together. I leave the woman behind (oh btw his dick.. is more like