MY LOVE

 !!!

I saw Murzik today! 
I was trying to slide/snowboard down a gothic cathedral thing rooftop (spiky!), i did slide down some roof, but not the one i was now standing on, I was thinking It cannot be that impossible RIGHT?
And I even imagined doing that. There were ppl around, not too close, in the vicinity. And mom too.
And I imagined already getting down there, a man was there, in some sporty/spy uniform, not an enemy, OH WAIT YES AN ENEMY. I was in overwatch! and it was when.. before i didnt slide but did slide. He was a sniper and i was supposed to take him down. I was Zen and i did shoot and was relieved it didnt somehow make a sound. He didnt hear me coming. And i charged, and shot at him but not AT him, i missed the first few, but i hoped i have enough to finish him. Well, dear listener, I did not, and while he didnt react I have decided that I cannot take him down? I dont have the weaponry enough to do it? I know i shouldnt have even attempted it in the first place! And I decide to not shoot my shots anymore at him, and go back from where I came.
It was a more flat roof, a bell tower. The other mightbe been one too.

I am in the corridor of our apartment. Mother, Nella, others (who? neighbours?) are planning, preparing to go.. to the dacha? I think. AND MURZIK IS HERE in the corner where the aroma sticks used to be, on the floor. There are bags, irl too. And I look at him and I am SO relieved that he is still alive and that I still have the chance, the opportunity to be with him, to be close, to  spend time with my bestie.

And I think of taking him with us (bc im also coming with), and at first this sounds swell. Bc he is a cat and will enjoy the time on the nature. Right? And I imagine Einy being happy outside running in the grass. And other cats. And still, theres something inside me that says UHM. I ignore it for a while and dream about how nice it will be. Yes he is old, but taking a trip wont hurt him? He will be happy! 
He will be! He will!

And here I realize... OMG if I am to be with him, if I am to spend my time with him, if I am to make him happy, he cant go! He will die! NOW i remember how awful he feel felt whenever we took him anywhere outside, and NOW i accept his mortality and that he is almost 20 years old and ill and that the trip will most certainly kill him. And also that.. He is blind? I forgot he is blind, I thought he is like Einy and would see everything, the grass the sun the nature! But this means he would be even more scared. Like Vlad said. And that this means I do not go! 

And suddenly I am perfectly fine with it.
Suddenly all I want to do is be with him, Make him happy, and feel not alone.

I put my head by his head, I boop him with it I think, and he is fine with that! I think NOW I stand. I make a toy from some off-white paper, beige almost. And I make a ball on one end, and the long rope, from the same paper, not tearing anything apart. It is in a shape of a sperm? I guess so! I feel that THIS shape will be to his liking, he will want to play! He gets up, and momentarily plays! I was right! And he puts his paws on my shins, and he arches his back, stretches, like he did (I think Is this how he used to do?) and I know I have made the right choice, they all can go, they all will, and I will stay with my best friend and spend as much time as we still have, together. I plan to spend every moment I can with him, making him happy. This is what I desire.

We actually interacted much more than I can describe here, I just FEEL that we did. And there was a connection, somethin that has been lost at some point. We are true childhood friends now, but I now understand and accept that he doesn't have too much. I am happy and a bit surprised, and feelin magically about him BEING ACTUALLY HERE I CANT BELIEVE THIS AND I TOTALLY KNOW THIS IS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE, THIS IS HOW IT IS. There's muted but clear sadness, and joy. Magical joy of this really being real.

It is a small miracly that will not last and that I must and need and want to seize.

I imagine our days together, me being by him as much as I can. which hopefully is all the time (i feel its not), just playing and hanging out. Being buds and best friends. I want to fill his every waking moment with happiness and friendship and our life that we didnt get to live to its entirety. 
I want to Make Up For Everything, Every Opportunity We've Missed, That We Didn't Take, That I ruined. 
NOW is my final chance that I am not missing out on. Nothing for me is more important than this.