An Emotional Journey

 In grandparents room. Many ppl. Many cats. I look around and we have just... recently moved in here from the second floor apartment. This is new and less.. it has less soul. I want to go back. I realize that new ppl live there now and i cant go back. they dont know me. it would be very awkward to do it. it cant be done. panic sets in, the usual kind when i cant reverse something, or ALMOST cant. but really really wanna do it. I think about taking pills or something to commit suicide, and to write my note about how it is bc i cant live there anymore. [is this childish is this bad]. WHY DID WE MOVE HERE IT WAS SO GOOD DOWN THERE. its not our apartment everything is foreign. My cats are mine. They came with us (interesting, this). Sean and others are on the windowsill. The windows open in a strange way, the slit is very straight and smooth and straight edged. 90 degrees, it doesnt have features, just an opening. And it has less protections here too. And the outside windowsill... it h...

 a woman, i am afraid, might come over for a kitten, uninvited. i foolishly told her the entrance number. and there is a way to save the kittens from her of course - take them in, for a day, two, a week. but that will stop them from being adopted by real humans.  I couldnt fall asleep this AM thinking about what i should do. get a  kitten shampoo - numbler one. i am stalling to not go outside. idk. also the anxiety feels like pain, it feels wrong to move, to do what needs to be done. bc i am not SURE it does. and thats the whole thing. i need CERTAINTY, dead steel certainty that what I do, what i am about to do, what i am thinking of doing, needs to be done. or it needs to feel very right. and have no elements of mental disorders. which, rare. as u know.