An Emotional Journey

 Well it seems like you've found me!  remember when i was weaning off of all the shit my psych had put me on? Helpfully?  Well right now it feels like i am in that stage again. Especially when I am lying down on the floor/bed. I assume my horrible anger issues stem from that directily? Today I - took a whole phen, drank a cup of cham tea, ate sweets, ate condenced milk with really cheap instant coffee. as a result i dont have anger at the moment thank G-D. I still have that accursed feeling that makes me shiver from the memories and the potential of being stuck, again, in that nightmare I pray that I wont be I would rather literally die. Job? NOW? Fuck off.

 I've decided to embrace it! I dont have hope for the future. I dont have a future. Let's see how it goes!

 Ok im not really good at this. ( suicide talk below ) I've only recalled I have a blog after thinking I should search for a Suicidals subreddit, due to, you know, being suicidal almost every day of every week. But this works too. Hi. Things were happenening, and they were not happenening. No major changes and yet some changes. No one is calling me from the many jobs Ive applied to aND EVEN IF THEY DID! I am fairly uncertain I could maintain a job. Does not being able to function on a day to day basis constitute an inability to have a job? Afraid I wont know the answer until I get to test it myself. *cough* second fucking time *coughghghgh* I am Very good at doing one task. Just one and I am fine. I can focus, I can strategize, I can function. As of right now I am under constant (emphasis) pressure of like 5 big things I HAVE to do. Naturally I am unable to even start getting to it. Please I just need one thing at a time and I will be the most successful person this side of Styx. A...

 folks everyday im dying every day i wake up with a small, bright, but pessimistic nevertheless, hope that the day will be good. I do my prayer, I write in my diary/journal, i brush whats left of my teeth. I drink coffee. From that point onward it can go either way - I can become very weak and powerless, or excited about the future, joyous (i think it might be manic instead. but i have to take what i can get). Called the uemployment place, fearing Ive lost my chance. Turns out not only did I not lose it, I also gain one more, on the 24th of March. I need to get my resume in order, maybe I can get hired! Maybe. After talking to the one I love the Most and her saying I shouldnt keep the kittens my mood went downhill fast, now I very pessimistic, I cant seem to find any hope, not really, just cant FEEL i have any hopeful options. Even though there definitely are, many.  I think it has something to do with me not having ANY support, mother isn't it at all, she can barely help hers...

 And speaking of honesty - I AM GOING THRU SOME SHIT. I cant find hope most mornings, usually those are overcast ones, but today is very sunny and honestly good, yet! i still felt like the weight of all of my problems multiplied and nestled itself right atop of my silly silly head. Why do does it feel i cant move when there are things i must do, but dont know how or feel capable to do? its been like this since... well... I am 33 and i think it has been a problem for 25? Ish? Anyway. Everything is fun   fine, even if i dont, cant feel like it. I drank coffee, took two phenibuts, will try to face my fear later on. Maybe some games? that helps with executive dysfunction, bc I GUESS in games i can do whatever and anything!! yeay. maybe will crank one out too. Champagne if i have to. Ok cheers.