In-Consistency

 Ok im not really good at this.

(suicide talk below)



I've only recalled I have a blog after thinking I should search for a Suicidals subreddit, due to, you know, being suicidal almost every day of every week.
But this works too.
Hi.
Things were happenening, and they were not happenening. No major changes and yet some changes.
No one is calling me from the many jobs Ive applied to aND EVEN IF THEY DID! I am fairly uncertain I could maintain a job. Does not being able to function on a day to day basis constitute an inability to have a job? Afraid I wont know the answer until I get to test it myself. *cough* second fucking time *coughghghgh*
I am Very good at doing one task. Just one and I am fine. I can focus, I can strategize, I can function. As of right now I am under constant (emphasis) pressure of like 5 big things I HAVE to do. Naturally I am unable to even start getting to it. Please I just need one thing at a time and I will be the most successful person this side of Styx.

Anyway, back to Suicidality! 
I wake up and and I dread getting up, because getting up means facing the emptiness of my days, the Great Nothing to Do, the Pain of Inability. Now that I am off the meds, almost entirely, save for prozac, its not much of a coin toss as it is a grim certainty - I will NOT have a good day, I will hate my guts for not having a good day, and I will be sure this will last For Ever. Sometimes it gets real bad, so bad that I start dreaming of death, of suicide, painless and swift. Last week a cold got my sinuses inflamed and I wished gleefully (but not without reserve) that they burst toxic pus into my brain and I die. It didnt happen - though Ive learned an interesting thing about my anatomy and it was overall fun.
I even consider that going to hell is a fair price to pay for not having THIS life. Then again, I am not sure I believe in a normal idea of hell and its infinite suffering. 
Wonder if I wasnt raised on a notion that I am Less Than would I feel this way about my unproductivity? Would I enjoy my days more? Would it be easier to get out of bed? Would I want to kill myself/stop existing? 
Also - would I [all that] if I moved out from my mom's?

this post doesnt feel like it has achieved what I felt it needed to, but then again, this is on brand.
bye

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