An Emotional Journey

 Columns that descend from the high ceilings, its Officers' House, but new, high tech, occult. Animals being crushed by the columns, that are liquid until they are not. But they are the shape of columns nonetheless. Elephant, like the guy from Jupiter Ascending, but more animal like. got smashed. but i wasnt too devastated about that bc it was VERY fast, and they barely felt any pain.  Liquid, that turns into stone. is mixed with liquid from the bodies crushed. Theres less and less space in the House, bc the area within gets progressively consumed by the columns. This reminds me of The Old House. I got trapped within, twice, the second time i didnt rush and realized i can get out, from up top. IS THIS ABOUT K AND OUR SEX. There are many young ppl, professionals and not, working there, doing normal work. electronics, electrics, buerocratic. Some old ppl too. A notable woman i dont remember. I think K is in danger. But i am trying to do soemthing about it, but its. I dont know anythi

 i miss her so much  we kissed several times in the following days, we cuddled, she cried, i was with her, WITH her, i know her now, i love her now more . deeply. than i could before.  my poor beloved, i took a picture of us, in it we are happy, i really like the picture. maybe she will be free one day. maybe i can help. in bath I've been thinking about protection and standing between her and the monster. idk how i can do it, and if i can possibly be brave enough. but I will offer my help, my presence, my body and health, for her and her daughter's wellbeing, and i will try to be brave in my terrible fear. now remembering us, everything we've done with each other, feels so sweet and unexpected and distant and like something out of a nice fever dream. but it was real, it was the most real thing in a while. the closest thing I've ever had. every time i smell her clothes there's a ping (pang?) of pain in my stomach, and sweetness  please be well

 so it just happened. k and i just vibed, talked about my date and her bdsm, then she hugged me. she hugged me a lot this day. then she made me change, and for no good reason too, so i figured, here we go, I'll let her this time. she put me in her in the living room, it happened before we kissed, much before. on her bed and her husband's.  it was less.. tender. less gentle. less sensual. than i hoped. we fucked on the floor in the unlit shed. the condom didn't fit and she told me to just pull out. and when i did she kinda insisted i came in her. i tried to lick her pussy but she promptly discouraged me, gently. i sucked her right boob, i pinched her left (she asked). she sucked me for a few minutes and i didn't cum. i didn't even like it that much. self suck feels better. or maybe it's her. she isn't gentle and she is broken. i love her. she is so very broken.  i fucked her on the floor in several strides, two different positions(her choices) then when i tol

 unrivaled pleasure of bending/pushing my erect dick down, even better than bending it to the sides, i do it as i measure it with my phone. i suck my tip and its much easier now, but i dont feel much? also im a afraid of causing myself pain thru broken semi rotten teeth (is this about stuttering+date), and i seem to have hard times opening my mouth wider, so i just kinda rotate my .. mouth? my tip? around the tip, i doesnt give me much sensation. THEN i measure my dick. and i swear, when i push it down erect, its longer than usual. WHAT IS THIS! i am not sure it would be longer if i opened the tip (in a dream not sure)

Anya has just said we can meet up next week, when she is free. Im anxiety. What if she doesnt like me? WHAT IF SHE DOES?????

 Me and Alena are married.  her parents are here. i am a bit surprised they allowed this marriage to happen. but i guess i was a good old past. its a party time. we kiss, i try to kiss more but she is reluctant. It is like she doesnt really want to be married. its like "Ok... Of course i want to get married... Yeah... I guess let do it..." When you talk to these girls and u keep sending messages and sometimes they reply but like without any enthusiasm? thats about that, you think V,2 A dream where Alena and me are getting married, but i can sense she is not excited about it, maybe just a bit, but not neary to an extent that is assumed to be necessary. its like Ok... Yeah i want to marry you.. Ok... no yeah i am happy... her parents are here, me and her try to kiss, we do, but i want to kiss more, but she is reserved and сторoнится.  Her parents probably agreed to this bc they know me, and im a safe bet. I want her to be happy, but our marriage isnt making her happy so whats t

 I've always been extremely practical, then I've lost it, (i saw a dream where i thought back to when i was a kid and.. "have to go to school bc I'm not an adult. doing this and that. the gov makes my mom so this stuff. but now i am an adult. and i can just not do that. i can just not do anything i don't want to. nobody can make me do stuff anymore (in a dream it was like that. maybe the childhood view on the adulthood). and if i decide to die, that' my own choice. they'll try to stop me tho (a thought!)  but it won't matter. my existence doesn't matter. y existence is insignificant. my existence is. nothing. i knew that, understood that as a child. and now I'm back to knowing it. it's freeing. evil glee? neutral glee. i can decide my own fate bc its utterly insignificant. i am free. bc of that. i was able to see (again!) how nothing matters. wait isn't it the otci i deti narrative, nihilism? am i turning into abuser? or finally into the

 rectangular brown шкаф material tunnel, i have to go thru, only me apparently. and Archie (G.) wants me to take my white wired cheap headphones with me this time . it feels untenable (?? word?). it feels like i will get stuck or something with them with me. but then i hide them in my pocket and can do it. 🥫 (just a memory trigger, this can, sorry (on android!)) i can move the walls of the tunnel, to fit. and as i crawl i think Why do i have to (keep) do(ong) this. it's generous. what if i get stuck? that's how cave explorers feel, terrifying. i don't want to get stuck. but also Why Would I get stuck? I've been thru these tunnels many times. getting stuck is just a fear causes by the fact that if something WAS to happen i wouldn't be able to escape, to get out. i would die here (here - home?) i just move the walls to make the tunnel bigger, bc even my head wouldn't fit in this one, idk if it was supposed to be moved but here we are. it's dusty, no one has e

 how are A. and abuser connected?? in my head

 i crave growing up queer ive just imagined not losing myself and just carrying my queerness with me, with no shame, no trauma, growing up queer, growing up to be more and more myself. how beautiful that would be. how much love i would have God i wish i had this  i have a queer shaped hole in me  i have a past that didn't happen, but wants to be wants to exist  i dressed in Y.'s dress, and put on pink lipstick before bed  A. is a big part of it, of my childhood, of my life, but not the only part

 tooth, with a black root(legs?), first one part, superficial, plastic wrappy, broke off, that's fine... but then i mess around a little bit more w it and i suddenly, and with strange relief, feel the whole tooth(upper part, above the belt), coming off. i feel relief even if i know that the.. root of the(problem) is still there. (this is about yesterday's fight with your mom. refer to #personalle on your blog. it's a good thing question mark) you thinking about going to the kitchen, to your mom, to show her the tooth(lack thereof), also u could've shown her the tooth itself but u threw it away? why. anyway u want to, it will probably help u get the help u need(dental help), make her convinced. u will have to open your mouth to her, but it will really help, at least emotionally (for you) to ask for the dental help money climbing the rock wall, finding a triceratops skeleton, a small guy, i tell my ppl look! turns out they were not big at all! i feel affectionate about th

 Yesterday was a hang w Y., today was a fight with mom. She is insufferable. As i was sleeping she was, in her Very Sure voice, telling me that theres SOMETHING to it, it CANNOT be just friends. remember how she was with Alena's just friends? Arent you tired.  You cursed her out and you arent talking rn. Good for you. Stand your emotional and mental ground. You got this. I love you.

 Crab, big, im killing him. im killing hi even with his own pointy leg. Easy.  Ash's head on the crab. I keep trying to kill him. No matter how hard i kick the head Ash crab doesnt die. After a particularly strong kick he becomes silent/non moving, but then starts purring. and i decide to kill him with covering his nostrils. i cant keep him alive fter the damage ive caused its cruel?  And i hear him purring and I start to weep, even tears i think, as i am holding my fingers on his nostrils im so sad, im so remorseful over what i have done, and that i shouldnt have done that, and that i cant stop now no matter how horribly sad it is, it gets, and im holding him in a hug, and im telling him I Love You so much Ash, IM SO SORRY IM SO SO SORRY. And even though i dont necesserily feel that its the truth it IS truth more or less, it becomes one. I want my love to save him, to stop me from hurting him. to stop my past me from hurting him, the crab cat. He isnt dying. He is purring. Even th

 yesterday ive installed a faucet, with moms help. a dream where i use a underwater propeller (from Propell. its a handhelp device. u know hte kind). and it works! the steadier and longer i keep it running the faster. i need to either outrun someone or something, or dodge. also i try to use my feet to paddle, to go even faster. and it WORKS!!! but its like with the knees - hard to keep them going, its UNCOFMORTABLE TO THE STATE OF INCORPOREAL PAIN, i feel them being slow, slowing, and i force them, or RATHER i ignore them being slower and paddle them faster. and IT WORKS!!!. AND I SUCCEED IN THIS DREAM another dream. me and abuser are sent by my fam to go get soemthing. we are NOT on our bikes, but we walk them. like Bill Denbrough.i look at him, and am upset i have to be near him. i immediately decide to avoid as much contact as i can. silence! non connection on emotional level. even tho he seems to want it, to seek it.  I drive my bike, a beefy, green, sports bike, a muscle bike even