some post i forgot about

 I've always been extremely practical, then I've lost it, (i saw a dream where i thought back to when i was a kid and.. "have to go to school bc I'm not an adult. doing this and that. the gov makes my mom so this stuff. but now i am an adult. and i can just not do that. i can just not do anything i don't want to. nobody can make me do stuff anymore (in a dream it was like that. maybe the childhood view on the adulthood). and if i decide to die, that' my own choice. they'll try to stop me tho (a thought!) 

but it won't matter. my existence doesn't matter. y existence is insignificant. my existence is. nothing. i knew that, understood that as a child. and now I'm back to knowing it. it's freeing. evil glee? neutral glee. i can decide my own fate bc its utterly insignificant. i am free. bc of that.

i was able to see (again!) how nothing matters. wait isn't it the otci i deti narrative, nihilism? am i turning into abuser? or finally into the protag in that novel? that i was jealous i couldn't be the first to be, instead of abuser.

but also i did feel that, on phen

this is a dream where a delivery couldn't b made to me., but and the chicken is still very warm when I pick the delivery up. it warned itself up. "can i still eat it? is it not spoiled by this point? can i recognize the bad taste even tho my mouth is minty(gum, or brushing teeth). the delivery is in the abuser's apartment. ??? it's very lowkey his. it starts with the thought about school, but by the time it the insignificance part I'm in my room, on my bed, sitting.

other items aren't food. and also I'm thinking about eating it. bc I'm the only one who can tell me what to do. it's the I'm free to make mistakes for myself thing. the mom isn't responsible for me and I'm my own master thing. (don't get to prison thing? or it doesn't matter thing? i don't want). and since she isn't, i am free to make my own choices, and it's not on her anymore. I'm not under her. responsibility?

can't force me even if i die

wait a second.. is this about Phoebe's nothing else matters cover I've listened to today

edit: from an account on OKC ive just found - 

My golden rule

I alone am accountable for the results and failures in my life.

this is exactly what i meant to say





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