An Emotional Journey

 i have a dog now, he is very cute, reminds me a bit of Frosya, i feel calm joy when i play with him. I'm glad we have him. he comes to be pet, his fur is kinky and curly, dense but soft. understanding and friendly, inviting. i don't remember us taking him. it feels like he has been with us no more than two days (is this bc i told mom I'm ashamed of what I've done to her yesterday?)

 I saw a dream, I imagined myself being 45 and STILL living with my mom. The embarrassment I've felt, the hurt, the sense of self-betrayal... I dont want this to happen. But i fell unable to stop it. At least in a dream. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- maybe same dream or not - family brought many things to sell, magnitolas, tvs, i took one,  then kate was lying sick, cold, in the bed, i went to check her mouth like cat's  and when i was doing this husband kept saying some shit and i needed him to shut up. When he didnt i started hitting him. and jumping WWE style on him. but he had a таз on his head and he was probs too fat to even get any damage. and he didnt do anything as if i didnt hurt him at all. but it wasnt stopping me. Anyway i hate writing about this. she texted me today like Hi are u asleep. ANYWAY anyway, i congratulated her with her decision to move out ...

 I go down to the first floor of school, i think its night time or evening. it always is.  Its the PE part of it, Alena's and Mine. Its different now.  There are people there, I feel like going to the PE class to exercise. It is a pretty sudden feeling that I CAN now do it. I am capable. Wait no this is a bit later. But the feeling that I wanna go there is now. I go past the ppl. Its dark and blue. Like in that dream. OR NOT A DREAM it wasnt a dream, i was alone with the boys in that hallway when the lights went out or they turned them on and they were saying Tishina Drug Molodezhi. Dark Blue. I see the door to the gym, its where the art class is irl. And there are people too. And THEN i think I will just walk past them and (if they are not my former classmates) do some pullups, bc i probably can do that and its a respectable thing to do actually and its gonna be alright. Maybe even if they ARE my classmates. Then i am close to the open door and there are only guys, from ...

 In grandparents room. Many ppl. Many cats. I look around and we have just... recently moved in here from the second floor apartment. This is new and less.. it has less soul. I want to go back. I realize that new ppl live there now and i cant go back. they dont know me. it would be very awkward to do it. it cant be done. panic sets in, the usual kind when i cant reverse something, or ALMOST cant. but really really wanna do it. I think about taking pills or something to commit suicide, and to write my note about how it is bc i cant live there anymore. [is this childish is this bad]. WHY DID WE MOVE HERE IT WAS SO GOOD DOWN THERE. its not our apartment everything is foreign. My cats are mine. They came with us (interesting, this). Sean and others are on the windowsill. The windows open in a strange way, the slit is very straight and smooth and straight edged. 90 degrees, it doesnt have features, just an opening. And it has less protections here too. And the outside windowsill... it h...

 Alena, her mom, and me are walking. We are standing by the store. Her mom's hair is long and black. Karen Kilgariff? The store... and its my house too? and theres my mom too but theres none? is Alena mixed w my mom?  There's some social or othetwise problem and i say theres gotta be a solution. her mom is not around atm, the house is green, the pale green thats not ..unpleasant, but depressive. The first level is stores, and its plastic and its jutting out from the house. I think Is this where I live... No... Or is it... or something like that. I look up and THEN i understand/feel its my house, despite being where 777 used to be, 3 stories high. And THEN i suggest a solution.. Some solution that might exists. And imagine some plastic extention for windows.I sound and feel отчаянный when i do. Her mom is back and we go in the direction of Vistrel.  The key was given... to Me? To Alena? By Alena? as we have approached the what looks like overroad bridge on the way to big m...

 Alena and me are walking down/up the road from the bank to the "new market place". We pass two kissing couples. I feel this might be my chance to tell her. She stops by the corner wall to the former tech shop. And leans on the wall. SHe looks expectant. I try to come up with something emotional to saay about my feelings. But end up saying something apologetic like sorry i had something to say but uhh. She stands straight with a face of Nevermind... And I still am trying. But we walk to the market now. ANd i still am thinking. At the market we... idk i try to tell her? and i keep saying these общие фразы that sound shallow and feel even more shallow, bc they dont express what i want to. also a feeling that i am running out of time. it began when the dream began, and was getting more intense. but like the feeling of.. when i need to choose QUICKLY  but i dont know what is the best thing to choose. We are at the school ground, middle of the asphalt field. She is taller, she loo...

 We got inside a medical-religious-semieldritch cult. The resistance was fighting them to free their captives (now this included me aand those who came with me). It was opening portals where they couldnt find it. But had to relocate them of course every once in a while (eoiaw). In the end of the  dream the portal was under the bed. it was my bed irl but a bit different. It had moreblankets, sheets on it that were covering the bottom. Many have escaped with resistance's help. actually, all of those who needed to escape. I was the last one. Theres a character, a doctor, who reminds me of my grandma. But not. She is not kind inside.  I talk to her. Then when Im alone for a lil while i am decided and sneak under the bed.(btw this is based on the movie The Cleanse i was watching last night). Head first i wiggle further in. But it stops moving me half way and i internally emotionally panic, bc my legs are out there and if they are seen they will get caught and i will get pulled...

 First: I am in a bolshaya room, its an empty space/void, pretty well lit. A red butterfly with a stinger is flying around. It sits on one man, its kinda interesting, he moves her and she doesnt fly away. its a funny thing. Someone is filming him. Oh, but first there is another man too, he was the first she landed on. Its just an animal who doesnt understand that we are ppl. Then (and i desired that,) she lands on me. She just walks, then her stingerwith a bulging end touches my skin and she slowly and gently caresses me with it, it goes left to right and back. I am just a little bit unnerved by it but its ok! THEN it gets faster. And faster. And faster. I was a bit afraid she would sting me, but she seemed v friendly and nonconfrontational. But this speed, it felt like anger, like anger was building up inside of her, towards me. And When it got this fast, I have realized she will sting me. So i shoo her away. THIS doesnt sit right with her and she flies right back, clings to me, i...

 I am on a train going thru a large area of lakes and swamps. I see a woman and a man lying on an artificial lily pad, wait no they are not lying (the last couple does), they are sitting and talking, in privacy and solitude. I think to myself Wow she really trusts this man - to be alone with him out here, so far away from everyone. Then, a bush away, theres another person, eating? sleeping?. I think thats pretty close, they arent that far away. I see empty lilypads and turns out they are covered in dried grass. I feel ew about it, no one changes the "bedding", and people lie on those, feeling like i did about that video of a family going to Coney Island. Just a wee bit jealous? The bedding i see now has some alum foil on it, trash, maybe some skin grease stained grass. There are others close by, that are very similar. Also Im scrubbing the wall perpendicular to me, small wall, satisfyingly with the scrubbing tool from the fridge.  The train stops. My cup (the one that grew ma...

 Dans Paris, daytime, sandy beach, sand shouldnt touch water, sand waterphobic, but gets grey if too much time with water, going on a ride with a group of men, a Cold Tunnel thats very short, then back. I built a spiral staircase tower. Minecraft. FPS - koh, I am not much of a sharpshooter but I get gold, I am the last man standing, i watch the screen and the results. I stand on my knees on my bed in the direction opposite to the one in the Good Dream where i was writing in the Good Notebook, im not praying but maybe. I look up - its high, the ceiling is so high its invisible and dark, i ponder the stairs. I stand by the (выпь) thats small and toyish and dry. Then its to my left, big, human sized, but still not much alive. I go out of My Roo (different), A bookcase/wardrobe training machine of the same looking parts as the bed ive slept on in the 11th grade (some K reference and K abuser reference?), We finally are moving it to ...Spalnya!, a big change from when it was occupying t...

 !!! I saw Murzik today!  I was trying to slide/snowboard down a gothic cathedral thing rooftop (spiky!), i did slide down some roof, but not the one i was now standing on, I was thinking It cannot be that impossible RIGHT? And I even imagined doing that. There were ppl around, not too close, in the vicinity. And mom too. And I imagined already getting down there, a man was there, in some sporty/spy uniform, not an enemy, OH WAIT YES AN ENEMY. I was in overwatch! and it was when.. before i didnt slide but did slide. He was a sniper and i was supposed to take him down. I was Zen and i did shoot and was relieved it didnt somehow make a sound. He didnt hear me coming. And i charged, and shot at him but not AT him, i missed the first few, but i hoped i have enough to finish him. Well, dear listener, I did not, and while he didnt react I have decided that I cannot take him down? I dont have the weaponry enough to do it? I know i shouldnt have even attempted it in the first place! A...

 Saw a dream where Ive decided that If I Dont Do SOmething I Wont Do Anything, and I Need to Go Work at D*d* Pi*za. Like "the only thing stopping me from [blank] is me not going there" In another dream I smoked a cigar and offered it to someone but they didnt want. Also was starting a fight with dm*tr* and he was ANGY but i was So Sure of my own power, of my skills, of me being safe, that i kept... i think swinging? or even hitting him. he was gray in color and like airbrushed, metallic. but fundamentally Weak.

 I masturbate a woman in a subway car, she is unemotional, so am i, even if i try to make her cum. a man is a cab i thouht-hoped was empty. he approaches us and asks to join, i am trying to postpoen his joining, or like his touching her, i dont wanna be close to him, im like Just a minute just a second man wait a second. and he doesnt come close, but suddenly he say While I wait Ill take a leak. and he does, CLOSE TO US and its like in those two dreams, but irl!! (in a dream i didt know its a dream), I am like NO!!! I am trying to pass him by real fast, so little of his additional urine touches me, he is further from me than he was before, he is coming close FAST, with his STRONG mustardy-yellow-brown stream, he aims at me, he laffs, he enjoys it, he doesnt let me pass unscathed. even after i pass him his aim finds me, and i am .. whats despnondent and panicking? together? i forgot the word. VERY disturbed and emtioanl. together. I leave the woman behind (oh btw his dick.. is more ...

 God I miss her so much. Its like ive lost a part of my soul, of my heart.A girl Ive met on an app, or on a social platform that is defunct now, or maybe ive just lost my password, or just havent been there for too many years. I miss you.  Maybe we can reconnect still? Maybe if i go to one of the sites i havent been to in ages she will be among one of my contacts? and we will take off from where we left? God i miss her. The feeling from the dream is fully on right now, its like it is real, its like i am thinking about a real friend I have forgot about.  In this dream I remembered I havent talked to several friend from years ago. Maybe in another life everything in my life worked out alright and I've had real, good, loving friends throughout my life, and my youth was happy. And this is a memory from that reality. I wish this to be true. And I want us to reconnect in this reality, or between realities. there was an article, or a video or something, maybe a podcast, about pe...

 We go, drive, to i think Japan and i stay the night in the haunted house, the women who come there, not necessarily aware of it, are in danger. some know. and i come, with no real danger for myself, bc i know they cant harm me. ive made peace with them (irl dreams, as u remember). Im very sleepy, and while i think about escaping, which might not even work (i watched Midnight Mess, the second to last ep, last night), and look at the triangle clock (remember? previous dream? and the wind-up clock at Kondr.), i slip into a dream. I think i feel safe, too self assured i wake up and im alive. A long dark haired girl, woman, is near me, and she doesnt have legs and an arm, the one arm is still here, "FLAILING". this disturbes me more than her stubs. ALso they are clean cut, clean healed, a long time ago i guess, they had time to heal. The ghosts, spirits, cut her limbs off. But it cant be, she was full, complete, just last night when i saw her. which made me think, i mustve been ...

A boy is in front of me. Familiar to me. I pick him up like K. I expect it to be harder, for him to be heavier. But he is really light. And he isnt surprised but really glad i did it. [This isnt exactly me but its not an enemy? not anymore (even tho later on he turns into abuser. and then - K). Mom is the real problem now in a dream. in the end where she suspects me and K to have sex, what with all the sex toys? somewhere in the long house on the side of the mountain.or hill. but i hide black dildo she or he or i used up my butt. its still wet with juices. i hide it beneath a normal thing, a sink but dry.] And since he is SO easy to carry I decide i can, i will carry him for a long stretch of the road. its a house actually (which means My Brain!!). I carry him with ease but i bump him into door frames, into columns, and each time i feel bad and each time i say SORRY im sorry! didnt mean to! And each time i think he makes me know its ok. and he isnt upset about it and he isnt hurt badly...

 I come into class, its a test time or a creative writing time. I seem to be of importance. I am looking for a seat to take. positions of ppl change slightly while i do. i want to take the back seat of course, since thats the one ive always had, its where im comfortable. but girls are already now sitting there. I take off my [leather jacket][it has a hoodie now?] and looking somewhere to hang it. They, for some reason, get up and, with straight [maybe slightly annoyed or angry. but not threatening] face encourage me to hang it above them. i did not expect that and i hesitate - it would hang over their heads and its not the best.  I look to the right (left, the left row), and theres [BUT FIRST- finding the right seat] im looking at seats. i can sit here, middle row the middle, empty seat, table, someone is in front MAYBE but not certain. But i really dislike the [vibe] of sitting there, in the middle of it. But im still considering it. and since theres something about the chair...

me and my abuser sit down on a couch, we are wearing the same jean costume. i tell him something along the lines of "even tho u are not as bad as ****** it's still ********". he is more wholesome now. he is no longer a threat, at least not to the former extend. this is something about k's dad and k's abuser. we are wearing her dad's jean suits. i am bringing back the pig. ok so the pig is hungry. i desire to feed him or her. it's a cold day, gloomy. i realize i can. i pour the food into the troath(or whatever u can the long feeding thing). i worry that he will eat the hairs, the sand particles and stuff. he is eating and I'm still worrying.  he is almost done with it and i desire to refill it, but he is still eating. i notice it's almost no food, just water. he is still eating drinking it regardless. (there was this water with food there before. i didn't add any. i did nothing)(but maybe that's enough). i don't give more food as i exit ...

 drones, alien hall, Ash the cat and a not bad man trying to get into an opening in a game and i help them. it didn't break the rules but they didn't like it much, even tho they were right there, they could have just climbed up from the stick. (like poop from Nightbooks). they are in and we are flying and shooting drones? Cynthia. her perfect body. can't remember the first part. second - godjira, costumed people. the Rock. horrible dirty mothra. i move away each time he moves. first time - after he touches thick cables that have something to do with godjira. godjira was smoothing out his armor, from the ready position to smooth. i touch the cable and while it's nothing special, dirrty wise, i despise, am disgusted by, the oily touch he left on the cable (like the condoms I've used with k, and myself.). i think about washing hands and for now - not using the one I've touched it with.  when he is done with the costume he moves out of his place and i move far from ...

Saw a a dream in the evening where I am about to have sex with Nicole, and i feel IMMENSE relief. also saw actors and musicians and some randoes having sex on our green sofa. bc "no one was seeing them doing it" or something, it was an empty place from time to time. it was lonely. (?). then i saw limp wrist band album cover with 4 bears, and the bears i also saw in that dream. later on, Anya from feelds texted me, apparently happy to talk to me. Also ive talked to Anna about pregnancy scare, bc it felt like the "Ive sent you three boats" situation, considering. she sent me a pic of covid test, that looked like pregnancy test, and said as much. SIGN! Anya wanted to add me on IG bt i told her its for family, AND SHE DIDNT PUSH (only once, b4 reading the message about Fam Only) I stood up for myself! very good, me. Sent Nicole my dream. but it wasnt entirely her also, some softer.. darker? woman was a part of it.. could it be a mix of K.? i hope not! K told me they are...