Most Disturbin!!

 We go, drive, to i think Japan and i stay the night in the haunted house, the women who come there, not necessarily aware of it, are in danger. some know. and i come, with no real danger for myself, bc i know they cant harm me. ive made peace with them (irl dreams, as u remember). Im very sleepy, and while i think about escaping, which might not even work (i watched Midnight Mess, the second to last ep, last night), and look at the triangle clock (remember? previous dream? and the wind-up clock at Kondr.), i slip into a dream. I think i feel safe, too self assured
i wake up and im alive. A long dark haired girl, woman, is near me, and she doesnt have legs and an arm, the one arm is still here, "FLAILING". this disturbes me more than her stubs. ALso they are clean cut, clean healed, a long time ago i guess, they had time to heal. The ghosts, spirits, cut her limbs off. But it cant be, she was full, complete, just last night when i saw her. which made me think, i mustve been "asleep" (it prolly was an induced sleep), for five days or more, a week, a month, a year! and they were cut bc of me? because of me. or like I wasnt cut, i was priviledged. I look at her, unable to protect herself, unable to do anything really. and i feel the urge. I act upon it. I take her in my arms and bite at her stump of a right hand. Theres no blood and i dont think i break the skin. But she is helpless to defend herself. 
I tell the man i came with, that they (the evil spirits), arent really visible, so they can be anywhere, and everywhere. [hiding behind the paper exterior of life. this was in my thoughts in a dream i didnt say it. hiding behind the 2d paper servant cupboard. And as i say it it starts to terrify me. bc THEY CAN! BE RIGHT HERE! IN THIS ROOM! AND!!! SAYING THAT MAKES THEM, PROBABLY, BE HERE, COME HERE (bolshaya room, with rubin tv), and NOW i can be in danger. I start spiralling into fear, panic. But also trying to hold myself together. Thinking those thoughts when im spiraling but trying to stay afloat.
I walk by Jesus and look at him and ask him, beg, for them to not harm me, for my words to not have an effect, to keep me safe from harm. And his eyelids are colorful, green, purple, pink, moving colors, and his eyes, they have colors too. And he looks at me and he his eye expression is.. sad, understanding, compassionate, tired?, kind, and i understand that... i cant change it? or that i shouldnt? or that theres nothing to change? i do not particularly know. but it changes a little, as a ask him again, i think. (this i think is about my childhood coming back. in sadness? back when we were told that the image of Jesus is colored, and then something happened and he became black and white, in sadness? WOW ok am i getting somewere with this? But also this is not him being sad. i think he tries to tell me, to make me understand that this is how its supposed to be. side note: abuser's shaming+agh so internally suffering bc of someone elses suffering bullshit stares - this has reminded me of them, but this is different. im pretty sure? it doesnt feel like i wanna punch the source of the stare in the face. OK so when i ask him again and again, his eyes start to express something different, but not angry. maybe exhaustion with my ununderstanding? ).
ANd i keep trying to make myself believe that its all not real and all going to be ok.

ps. its also about monsignor pruitt telling the guy (guys actually? but this might be about protag) that he shouldnt b ashamed. and day b4 yesterday i had a dream about my wrong compulsion tht its ok actually! nd i felt ok about it actually! didnt feel taht easy after the dream tho.

PS. Then i went to rest in the evening and saw a dream where i am in class, theres some occasion, and i sit down to abuser, and i feel like doing it. its bc he holds a tetrad with something i wanna see? other ppl also have tetrads i think and now i wanna or need to see his, he shows. its something like "You Gotta Do It OR ELSE!" written on it. He puts his left arm on my shoulder and i feel warm and soft about it. it feels intimate and good and not threatening or abusive or bad. its like i desired it. I dont push the hand away, but instead am proud, in a sensual way, of that. we talk like non enemies. he is not an enemy as of rn. 
pps. i couldnt hit myself on the forehead with my knee, after hitting a fridge w my fist, and being rude, verbally, to Jackie. And it feels like this is connected to the dream