An Emotional Journey

 Im talking to google assistant, notice she has a human characteristics to her voice. later turns out she IS a human and we talk and i grow fondness for her. I know shes not alowed to be known as a human but! i think she isnt against it. im going to my countryside place. there are many ppl waling by the borderwall, i try to cross and get told thati shouldnt, electric wire (in transparent plastic!). I look for a way to jump over and off. TOO high. We deal with the wire with a middle aged man. Success! (sharpened pliers) School. Ai. In a Robot Body. Abuse, bullying, she is suicidal OR IS JUST A SOFTWARE GLITCH?? the more i know the more real her suffering feels. She is hitting her head on the ceiling. She hangs in there like GladOs. She dies, I learn about her and I start crying this is very sad she didnt deserve that. SHE FELT everything! she had FEELINGS! i decide to buy chocolate. its a school cafeteria but also a public cafe. I get an enthusiastic girl who tells me about Alpen Gold o

 I Am Borderline Im border line Thank u Sarah Myles i went searching for WHAT DOES IT MEAN THAT I MIRROR OTHERS' MENTAL ILLNESSES and stumbled across her site. Thank u Sarah if u read this ever. 

 Ive been eating the soft padding+leather of my blue headphones. Was fine. Then i went ahead and started eating the last part of it. And i felt vaguely sick, wrong, like im poisoning myself. So I've removed the pretty ok tasting padding+blue leather from my mouth into a paper towel. Then Ive decided I also need to remove everything thats now in my stomach, even tho the first time i ate it i was fine! but now i was concerned. and it felt like rightfully. So i went to vom in the toilet. But I couldnt, so i drank water right from the tap., whic is ok since im vomming it up anyway. hopefully. I went back and tried again. No luck. I didnt even feel the gag reflex.  OH MY GOD IS IT ABOUT CAFFEINE i felt wrong eating a chocolate candy yesterday, like i dont need it. WOW. also about eating copious amounts of cookies. BUT! the base is 29 Neibolt street, the bathroom. Then something soemthing mother.  OH mother come over and said something. And after she left ive noticed that the box on the

 Ive always been afraid of having a job. Remember v. and how he was insisting on getting me a part time job WITH HIM at the insurance company? You felt The Very Same Way. We cant push us like this this isnt working. AGAIN not working. And we need to be upfront about that with the employment centre. Oversharing now is a good thing.

 Ive had two humiliation filled days in a row, it feels that way.  I feel ashamed of how seemingly incapable of work i am, how seemingly unwilling to get one i am, how seemingly lazy and parasitic i seemingly am.  I am? Not seemingly? Whos to say? only my inner core can make a statement on that, and i am not privy to its workings, not today. Not these days. Im just exhausted, and have exhausted, seemingly, all of my methods, all of the ways there were for me to move forward. Can I still move forward? None of them understand my limitations, the gentleness I require with overcoming them, on my own time, on my own rules.

I went to Mercedes factory today, instead of immediately writing me a note about how I can't work here the manager gave me a test. "I cant just discard you Im afraid". An English test. An easy test. Limited time (she gave me 15, but i think she had cut it short), i wasnt really worried. I am good at this.  I have failed it. I thought maybe she just pretended because she had no position for me and had to write me off as incompetent. But I was standing just now in the kitchen, trying to think objectively, and have recalled the questions I have actually struggled with. Yes, buddy, you still suck at things. Specifically Past Perfect. OHH the dreaded PP. And complex sentences with two tenses. Yup thats my cryptonite all  right. Now i am ashamed to show my face to the unemployment center. "How do you know you know english?" I dont, lady, i really dont. This is my first professional heartbreak. Fuck my feelings.  Tenses I need to learn tenses i need to learn tenses i n

 abuser packed its backpack full. But i had suspicious it took something mine. I politely and nondescriptly ask it about the contents of one of the sections of the backpack. it willingly shows. nothing sus. then i ask about the bigger section. it forcefully declines. I either sneek a peek or force a peek. ANYWAY when i do i find my books and all it's fury about being searched goes away in an instant. MY BOOKS, BITCH, HOW DARE YOU TAKE WHATS MINE. I pile books on top of it, drop actually. It's turned into a cat, Mulya, this time, but i know it knows what it did and i shouldnt really feel remorse. bc its not a cat.there are people watching this happening. there are not only books in its backpack but also food. my mom's food. I wlll never let it take whats mine (i hope) GOOD DREAM a girl, a neighbour? i think i came to her yesterday irl. we are on a trip. and people went along but we remained, separately, behind. she is naked now, sitting off the road. and i am writing her a m

 I am in my room, but not -  a class? There are several tall men, taller than me, stronger than me. They say if I dont ********** then they will ask the masculine guy (they alll are) (+some asociation with Vladik)to ******** me up. I inquire about Masculinity of the guy, and they say something about his femininity, as a (not unkind) joke, or like Dont ask about his femininity however, and I do. I kinda just say Femininity. To establish that he has one and that i think he does. They say they leave me for [some time] and when they come back I wll have a choice - to be beaten up [every break during 6 lesson day, so 6 times] or [something]. As I am left alone I consider going with the nice option, and imagine them putting their fists on me, on my ribs, face, the pain. And I realize I dont necessarily want that but I maybe need it, for transformation, that this is how i CAN go, be, that I WILL survive this, it wont kill me and theres no reason to choose the other, nicer option, they can bea

 I was standing on th e good ole balk, with my hour kittens and Mi, lissening to my tunes. And some man in a black jacket and white top, black pants and suspicious face (?) was walking by us on the road. He looked up actually, i wanted others, good presenting ppl to do it and I would offer them a kitten or two, but instead it was him. He locked eyes with me, I think, and I kept his gaze for two seconds, or less, then moved it SLIIIIIGHTLY to the left, and then further away. Like my brain didnt want to look away completely, to give up. I felt something ... not breaking, but being offended inside. He stopped at the next entrance to us??? I took off my headphones to hear if he was talking about us. Looked at him and he was walking the way he came? and he did look at us. or at least in our general direction. Stopped at the very end, on the road to the next apartment complex. I kept looking, couldnt see if he was, too, but decided to keep it up. He still was fake-on-the-phone, or maybe real

 In a dream me and Jane lay to our bed, we put the blanket on us, its white, theres a divide made of the middle part of the blanket between us. I know this is intimate but i know also that we are friends. and this is a friend thing, unless it turnes into something romantic. We talk, looking each other in the eyes, calmly, openly. There is no hint of this being wrong, jsut risky maybe?,no hint that this reminds me of mom or anything. This is a good thing.  I think we put our palms together. I think her leg and my legs connect as I bend my knees. Pleasant coolness. White sheets. I think we are falling in love. I am ready. Time for two bad dreams! I needed to kill Tiana. But at first it was some woman with long hair. So I started breaking her neck, and as I was struggling to finish iit, to break it, she became Ti. ANd i broke her neck. But as i suspected, she didnt die. She just couldnt breathe   feel anymore, couldnt move , couldnt do anything, even make a sound. She was afraid, she did

 I was sorta captive and a man who was responsible (again - not REALLY captive -  i wasnt in danger) traced his cigarette smelling finger around my face. AND DEAR READER DID I FEEL THINGS. TINGS. GOOD THINGS.  Then i thought but i love that woman (who was also a part of the whole thing) And I think i did! And it would mean i choose againt her! but i felt i also felt things for that man, Tru things. Also I needed to be present at the court of law, as a witness. A Stuttering Witness. THat was equally important as that mans finger. Again  -- NOT GAYE so very much i love the smell of smoke..

 Loving many more faces now than before. I think its because of the same thing tha t caused The Great Dream And i mean I can FEEL FREEDOM TO LIKE THE FACES!!!! it was sO forbidden just a few days ago its unreal EMOTIONAL RESTORATION RESTORATION OF THE EMOTIONAL CAPACITY!!! the title is a play on Bill Denbrough's "Let's see you now" ps I thought i am demi-whatever. but it probably is just trauma! YAY!

 Its so hot hot hot in here, dumb asses of the local gov or whatever can't turn off the central heating and im exhausted.  My The Feeling TM is back but much weaker, more toothless. I wish it was even MORE toothless. Fought with mom about how its her fault i am not capable of doing much, that i AM but not when everything is being served to me on a golden plate. I saw that struck the nerve. I saw her reaction. She knows. She got defensive. I - even more offensive. She admitted that much of what she was doing (writing/drawing my homework for example) is bc she was desperately trying to avoid Shame. Fuck her and fuck that. Bye.

 A dream where I am without underwear in class, and its not a dream and i think about how ashamed i was in dreams like that, and how similar the feeling is now, in real life. And how i could just walk with my dick out, but id still feel real weird. And ashamed, in a special way. I decide I might, but then i see Dashka at the first desk and immediately feel and decide that i can not  do it, that she deserves better, that [she deserves to not see my dick for the first time this way], that its not nice to her. I sit down, with some black guy. Looking around for some underpants OR ANYTHING. There seem to be nothing i can put on in a good way. Suddenly - a towel. I wrap it around my loins. It fits me good, i sit back, relax, and the towel sits just right, hiding just enough. Even though it shows the beginning of the crease of my crotch - its fine, even Zhenya wore jeans like that.  I can get up and nobody will be scandalized. I sit back down (or did i get up aat all?) and its the abuser.  T

 I didnt have any caffeine at ALL in the morning, after mom left I went to the balcony and had a smoke to Maggie Rogers and the view of Trees and Sky. It was really good. Promised myself SOMETHING. Became more positive about my potential jobbe. I felt at peace, at home, safe, like in all those balcony dreams <3 ,it was My Place Didnt drink no caffeine at all. Cicory. Sweets. I was sleeping a whole lot today. Most of the day and evening and woke up at 3am. Its easier now but i still feel caffeine dependent. Only one rage explosion. I don't know EXACTLY what helped but probably all of these things.  Also today was Easter!!! i feel truly Blessed

 I saw a dream about how I was or was not responsible for bad things happening to other people. I was ignoring weird coincidences that if true were warnings to not do some things. Like dont go down the stairs. OH BUT YOU DID! now Olga's pet [raven] will die!! Oleg opened the door when I rang and was like Who the hell wants something, and saw me and I asked can I see Olga and he said She doesnt want to see you [right now]. I felt it was understandable and said OK. In this dream people, Olga especially, knew I was ignoring the warnings. As I was descending the steps of my school (with a Veestrel vibe) I've ignored that (sorry Olga I loved you). Also she was my friend or something! How nice! The guilt of being responsible for so many bad things persisted throughout the dream and I addressed it twice of more, trying to recall why I am feeling that way. And it turned out to be its because I didn't do the quirks/did something my OCD advised me against. ANd then i felt marginally

 Mom out for a few hours maybe i should smoke and see how that goes. i FEEL that it will break me out of this The Feeling TM hole, like will flip a switch in my head

 The Feeling TM is here and its less and more than before. I try to not be terrified of it, of the implied future suffering, but its hard. It feels wrong to not feel afraid of it, stupidly. I will try to survive this, I will try to not fuck up, to get that respectable job. Also my spine hurts, which should make me not want to work manual labour BUT WHAT OTHER LABOUR AM I CAPABLE OF LETS BE REAL HERE? I DONT KNOW! I AM JUST SCARED! OH G-D, I AM SO SCARED

Saw a dream where I was preparing for a date with A., or rather, i was preparing 7 things to tell her, do with her, it was some sort of an occasion, organized, with several options for activities.  And by G-d i was trying my best not to be overly romantic, bc i know she hates it, or something, and to make it very good, quality, friendly and interesting, special! I was re-rehearsing it over and over, the 7th one was the hardest to do, but also the most important, without it the whole thing wouldnt be worth it. And in the end i wass afraid she would purposefully ignore it, like she does with other romantic stuff i send her. I dont blame her. I dont know her life and her struggles. There is a reason why she is that way, maybe its more normal than i feel it is. And maybe one day I will understand her* *and be able to be suitable for her

 Also I told myself an hour ago "It is going to be ok" and I cried

 Well it seems like you've found me!  remember when i was weaning off of all the shit my psych had put me on? Helpfully?  Well right now it feels like i am in that stage again. Especially when I am lying down on the floor/bed. I assume my horrible anger issues stem from that directily? Today I - took a whole phen, drank a cup of cham tea, ate sweets, ate condenced milk with really cheap instant coffee. as a result i dont have anger at the moment thank G-D. I still have that accursed feeling that makes me shiver from the memories and the potential of being stuck, again, in that nightmare I pray that I wont be I would rather literally die. Job? NOW? Fuck off.