An Emotional Journey

 The Feeling TM is here and its less and more than before. I try to not be terrified of it, of the implied future suffering, but its hard. It feels wrong to not feel afraid of it, stupidly. I will try to survive this, I will try to not fuck up, to get that respectable job. Also my spine hurts, which should make me not want to work manual labour BUT WHAT OTHER LABOUR AM I CAPABLE OF LETS BE REAL HERE? I DONT KNOW! I AM JUST SCARED! OH G-D, I AM SO SCARED

 Well it seems like you've found me!  remember when i was weaning off of all the shit my psych had put me on? Helpfully?  Well right now it feels like i am in that stage again. Especially when I am lying down on the floor/bed. I assume my horrible anger issues stem from that directily? Today I - took a whole phen, drank a cup of cham tea, ate sweets, ate condenced milk with really cheap instant coffee. as a result i dont have anger at the moment thank G-D. I still have that accursed feeling that makes me shiver from the memories and the potential of being stuck, again, in that nightmare I pray that I wont be I would rather literally die. Job? NOW? Fuck off.

 My friend - who never called me a friend and whom Ive never called a friend - told me to write her at any hour of the day, and maybe even call. And thats a good friend (to-be?). I felt nice reading that. Because today was incredibly shitty*. Mental pain. I hate it *i called merc bentz to ask about a job opportunity aand they said THEY HAVE NEVER HAD THAT JOB AT ALL EVER, Nice. But that wasnt really bad i wasnt feeling ready for that job anyway.

 Its hailing in my soul. It's a rain that's not welcome. Its cold and painful and rude and harming.  And unlike an actual hail outside my window right now, I dont like it. God, why am I feeling the way I do.