An Emotional Journey

 Ive always been afraid of having a job. Remember v. and how he was insisting on getting me a part time job WITH HIM at the insurance company? You felt The Very Same Way. We cant push us like this this isnt working. AGAIN not working. And we need to be upfront about that with the employment centre. Oversharing now is a good thing.

 Loving many more faces now than before. I think its because of the same thing tha t caused The Great Dream And i mean I can FEEL FREEDOM TO LIKE THE FACES!!!! it was sO forbidden just a few days ago its unreal EMOTIONAL RESTORATION RESTORATION OF THE EMOTIONAL CAPACITY!!! the title is a play on Bill Denbrough's "Let's see you now" ps I thought i am demi-whatever. but it probably is just trauma! YAY!

 A dream where I am without underwear in class, and its not a dream and i think about how ashamed i was in dreams like that, and how similar the feeling is now, in real life. And how i could just walk with my dick out, but id still feel real weird. And ashamed, in a special way. I decide I might, but then i see Dashka at the first desk and immediately feel and decide that i can not  do it, that she deserves better, that [she deserves to not see my dick for the first time this way], that its not nice to her. I sit down, with some black guy. Looking around for some underpants OR ANYTHING. There seem to be nothing i can put on in a good way. Suddenly - a towel. I wrap it around my loins. It fits me good, i sit back, relax, and the towel sits just right, hiding just enough. Even though it shows the beginning of the crease of my crotch - its fine, even Zhenya wore jeans like that.  I can get up and nobody will be scandalized. I sit back down (or did i get up aat all?) and its ...

 Well it seems like you've found me!  remember when i was weaning off of all the shit my psych had put me on? Helpfully?  Well right now it feels like i am in that stage again. Especially when I am lying down on the floor/bed. I assume my horrible anger issues stem from that directily? Today I - took a whole phen, drank a cup of cham tea, ate sweets, ate condenced milk with really cheap instant coffee. as a result i dont have anger at the moment thank G-D. I still have that accursed feeling that makes me shiver from the memories and the potential of being stuck, again, in that nightmare I pray that I wont be I would rather literally die. Job? NOW? Fuck off.

 Fell thru on my big idea of bloggin about my mental state every day and what not. Guess this meant i was pretty ok during that textually lackluster period. and i was! coffee? no green tea and chamomile. that really did a good to my brain. granted, it also probably raised my blood pressure. But i felt good and capable, plus, unlike phenibut, that mix doesnt cause real dependance, as far as I can tell. Anyway, happy International Women's Day to no one reading this. today i wasnt helpful at all, despite the mix. it really didnt work for two days now. idk idk. Maybe its bc of how I sleep? But also I do like to wake up at 6am and do... ?? something? i guess? Mainly browsing aimlessly and playin games i dont really enjoy that much. But it feels like i am productive plainly due to the hours i am awake at.Do they pay for having an early bird sleeping schedule? itss 9:11pm and I will try to go to bed AND fall asleep before 11. Try. ALSO. i dont remember if Ive written on this already, but ...

 And speaking of honesty - I AM GOING THRU SOME SHIT. I cant find hope most mornings, usually those are overcast ones, but today is very sunny and honestly good, yet! i still felt like the weight of all of my problems multiplied and nestled itself right atop of my silly silly head. Why do does it feel i cant move when there are things i must do, but dont know how or feel capable to do? its been like this since... well... I am 33 and i think it has been a problem for 25? Ish? Anyway. Everything is fun   fine, even if i dont, cant feel like it. I drank coffee, took two phenibuts, will try to face my fear later on. Maybe some games? that helps with executive dysfunction, bc I GUESS in games i can do whatever and anything!! yeay. maybe will crank one out too. Champagne if i have to. Ok cheers.

and i know its gonna be awful hard. but it is better than keeping everything inside.

Going off medication can be scary. You were in control - or rather you knew you had a say in how you felt; but it was a choice between feeling good (or really weird and uncomfortable!) and feeling really really shitty. It's a safe thing, you know? A reliable thing. I am going off my medication, it has served its purpose, it is overstaying its welcome by a Lot. The one I am on right now is a last in the chain of many I was taking in the course of the last year and a half. If you keep telling your psych the anxiety isn't going away, attempt after medicinal attempt, eventually they will prescribe you something that will get its claws deep in your body. I wasn't told clonazepam causes severe dependence, not a peep about it, just a casual "This is stronger than your usual meds, don't overdo it."         Each next - mostly antipsychotics - was there to help me go off the previous one. Because they all created depenence of their own. Turns out I am terrified of commi...