A new start, from fog

Going off medication can be scary. You were in control - or rather you knew you had a say in how you felt; but it was a choice between feeling good (or really weird and uncomfortable!) and feeling really really shitty. It's a safe thing, you know? A reliable thing.

I am going off my medication, it has served its purpose, it is overstaying its welcome by a Lot. The one I am on right now is a last in the chain of many I was taking in the course of the last year and a half. If you keep telling your psych the anxiety isn't going away, attempt after medicinal attempt, eventually they will prescribe you something that will get its claws deep in your body. I wasn't told clonazepam causes severe dependence, not a peep about it, just a casual "This is stronger than your usual meds, don't overdo it."        

Each next - mostly antipsychotics - was there to help me go off the previous one. Because they all created depenence of their own. Turns out I am terrified of commitment lol. And, you know, it would be fine if only my head felt no different from usual, but of course with meds of such sort it is hardly possible. 

Today was (oh, fingers SO crossed!) the last time I took the last prescribed antipsychotic. Anxiety spikes in the mornings, dread for the future, feeling of emptiness and cold ahead, they come with it and stay longer. Caffeine and phenibut help, but not completely. The LAST last pill I plan to keep taking for another week, before starting tapering it off. Because I am afraid and also because I think that's how it needs to be done. It makes me able to fall asleep way too fast and for way too long. But I love sleeping.

This whole experience made me fully reconsider my attitude toward heavy drugs, and the amount of caution I'd have to excercise if I ever decide to try them. A one good thing that came with it.

Losing short-term memory is far from my idea of fun and so is having foggy mind with a good pinch of poor motor coordination - all are side effects of that last antipsycho. The medication that is still helping me has a side effect of making me a) lose all hope and b) be prone to fall asleep basically on command. I shall wait a full week before tapring it off as well.

edit: its been... a few days since I have written the most of this post. My productivity/executive function is shot and comes in in pretty short bursts. So that is why. And I am not proofreading anything, I'd rather just write


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