An Emotional Journey

 Anxiety masqurading as a premonition. Yesterday was good for my brain, today i am worried again, more insidiously than ever (almost) that me and K's secret will be uncovered. I seem to worry about the abuser. And pregnancy maybe too. But also, deeper, i am worried about K. Pls, for the love of Creator, be safe, K.

 things are slow with Anya, but she doesnt seem to be annoyed with me, but i am SHAKENING with fear and antici pation. This is so adult, this is so much new things i need to quickly learn/accept/be brave enough to do. Its a good thing. Its a growth thing. I invite it.

 Ive had two humiliation filled days in a row, it feels that way.  I feel ashamed of how seemingly incapable of work i am, how seemingly unwilling to get one i am, how seemingly lazy and parasitic i seemingly am.  I am? Not seemingly? Whos to say? only my inner core can make a statement on that, and i am not privy to its workings, not today. Not these days. Im just exhausted, and have exhausted, seemingly, all of my methods, all of the ways there were for me to move forward. Can I still move forward? None of them understand my limitations, the gentleness I require with overcoming them, on my own time, on my own rules.

 I hate my kittens. I have 4 kittens and 3 adult cats. It's too much. They are too much, too active, too needy, too loud and raucous. There's no escaping them, always on edge, always slightly angry. I never meant to be like that, i have always love kittens and puppies, i LOVED them. Back when my parents would take care of the stuff of life and I got to play and chill with the animals. When you grow up, your heart dies

 Just had a smoke, a much needed one. Feeling trapped in my anxious body is so painful, cigs help they really do, even if I get cancer further along the road. At least then I will have assistance of everyone I know. That's a plus. ALl those people who have too much work, too much whatever going on to talk to me, to show a sliver of interest, they will come flocking around my sickbed, even better - my deathbed. And outwardly sickly and sad, inside I would be triumphant. Finally they are showing me love and attention I need so. While I'm cancer-free tho, I am afraid of it, but it feels good to think about that. And now my anxiety has sufficiently subsided, for a few hours. Can't believe mom doesnt suspect anything. I am glad she doesn't suspect anything. Please, never start suspecting a thing.