An Emotional Journey

 Ive had two humiliation filled days in a row, it feels that way.  I feel ashamed of how seemingly incapable of work i am, how seemingly unwilling to get one i am, how seemingly lazy and parasitic i seemingly am.  I am? Not seemingly? Whos to say? only my inner core can make a statement on that, and i am not privy to its workings, not today. Not these days. Im just exhausted, and have exhausted, seemingly, all of my methods, all of the ways there were for me to move forward. Can I still move forward? None of them understand my limitations, the gentleness I require with overcoming them, on my own time, on my own rules.

 I feel like a whisper of myself that i dont even like to hear, dont want to know, that doesnt.. even sound. An angry, numb, reactive, hurt, unsure. Not present. GODS im tired of it. That is, i think i am, its hard to feel even that.  I am alright when I lie on my bed. When I peer at my screen. When I play games. I think I need to do something, it makes me panic instantly. So I forget* I wish I could be something better than this.  *And wasnt it just like that when you were forgetting your homework tasks? Huh, kid?