Hell? Is it me you are looking for?

 Well it seems like you've found me! 

remember when i was weaning off of all the shit my psych had put me on? Helpfully? 
Well right now it feels like i am in that stage again. Especially when I am lying down on the floor/bed.
I assume my horrible anger issues stem from that directily?

Today I - took a whole phen, drank a cup of cham tea, ate sweets, ate condenced milk with really cheap instant coffee. as a result i dont have anger at the moment thank G-D. I still have that accursed feeling that makes me shiver from the memories and the potential of being stuck, again, in that nightmare

I pray that I wont be

I would rather literally die.

Job? NOW? Fuck off.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pls God, make it so this isnt a prophetic dream about Kate's kid. PLEASE LORD make it so it doesn't ever exist.

My room is flooded. The water from the outside flood is flowing through balcony door into my room. I was away for a while and it is going on. Was I in prison? (look below) Im thinking about pumping it all outside, but this would do nothing, as the flood would just pour back in. And buckets wont help either, its even less effective. I am feeling helpess and weak, and powerless (not the word. its like Frustrated+Powerless?). Then i see a big branch from the tree (of life), just lying here on the carpet/floor. It was here before (it wasnt or i couldnt see it), I thinkfeelimagine cutting it in a way that will make it placeable in the doorframe of baclony, acting as a sandbag, a dam. Saving me. from floodwater.  And I have a handsaw in my hand, with red handle. I start sawing, my thoughts say "Its an all-purpose saw, its best for [metal,aluminum,wood,concrete], but can be used also on [wood? this wood?]", and as they do Im thinkfeeling how good of a purchase that was. (Also this i...
Read more

im a violent child

 Mom was saying i sent a photo of myself instead of the document i needed to send. it was making me angry, in a childhood way.  She came into my room and kept on. I allowed myself to throw nail cutter and a laser pointer at the wall, 1.5 meters away from mom. my uke fell down. She went out of my room, saying "throw at my head next", why did it piss me off so badly? why did i succumbed to the desire to throw a heavy hitting, dangerous pestle. i had an image of doing it right at her head, her head bleeding (or maybe it was later), as  was aiming, i think. I was torn between giving her all ive got, hurting her (the way she hurt me?? is that it), and throwing it behind the door/at something in my room/ but i didnt want to hurt (i meant to say damage) anything in my room and also i didnt want her to not realize i threw it. So i threw the pestle at the door, i hoped it would just hit the dull part and fall, or slide/ricochet and doesnt hit my mom. But to my actual surprise it d...
Read more

I've always wanted to have a dog

 i have a dog now, he is very cute, reminds me a bit of Frosya, i feel calm joy when i play with him. I'm glad we have him. he comes to be pet, his fur is kinky and curly, dense but soft. understanding and friendly, inviting. i don't remember us taking him. it feels like he has been with us no more than two days (is this bc i told mom I'm ashamed of what I've done to her yesterday?)
Read more