Why Cant I Protect What Is Important To Me???

 I am on a train going thru a large area of lakes and swamps. I see a woman and a man lying on an artificial lily pad, wait no they are not lying (the last couple does), they are sitting and talking, in privacy and solitude. I think to myself Wow she really trusts this man - to be alone with him out here, so far away from everyone. Then, a bush away, theres another person, eating? sleeping?. I think thats pretty close, they arent that far away. I see empty lilypads and turns out they are covered in dried grass. I feel ew about it, no one changes the "bedding", and people lie on those, feeling like i did about that video of a family going to Coney Island. Just a wee bit jealous? The bedding i see now has some alum foil on it, trash, maybe some skin grease stained grass. There are others close by, that are very similar.
Also Im scrubbing the wall perpendicular to me, small wall, satisfyingly with the scrubbing tool from the fridge. 
The train stops. My cup (the one that grew maggots on rotten milk in itself), is outside, on the table. People, homeless? dirty, come and I decide to leave the window and leave the cup there, instead of taking it with me. I INSTANTLY REGRET IT because he takes MY CUP! with his dirty toilet hands and asks for some water or whatever! Im am filled with rugret! WHY didnt I protect my cup! I feel similar to how I did when I got robbed of my phone. 
I sit on the train sit, looking at the far end of the car, and ponder my nondecision. WHEN
They enter the train. I hesitate (because I DONT WANT TO SEEM RUDE? OR CRUEL? RUNNING AWAY FROM DIRTY PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT HAPPY IN THEIR LIVES AND DESERVE KINDNESS) and then STILL! i get up and run away from them, and the conductor/train driver who is now with them, he is taking them somewhere? Also I have something they need. A cup? ANOTHER?  am I holding a cup.! YES i think so (like rn) and this means I still have something I need to and can protect! MY OWN! SO I RUN! And I still feel shame for it, but like... a childish shame from when mom is ashamed of me when I used to do something egregious like SORRY he is like that today! Im very sorry! But the child-I had to keep going. Thats i think is how it felt now.
I know they are searching for me, and I am already in the first car, and i decide to get out and hide outside. Then I think I CAN TURN BACK when they pass me and run straight back and (something)!!
So I do and now I really hope they didnt see me, or they will come out of the first door. BUT THEY DONT so they DONT know where I am, i try to stand in a way that won't let them see me outta windows. They pass them and I run sneak to the first door before they can get out of the second. I know they will circle back in thru the first. I do! And I succeed!
I reach the front of the last car, where there are mailboxes from our stairwell, I recall breaking an egg with that fridge scrubber, shells shells, drying dry, successful. Then theres that wall I scrubbed, and I might be doing it again. Of course.. there are eggyolks here, where I DID NOT SUCCEED in break an egg with my scrubber.. One is drying, maybe, maybe its just a remnant. And theres the second, almost fresh, I opened it just a bit before, undamaged yolk with transparent whites, in-between mailboxes. Is there a yolk in ours? idk really rn. I know they are coming soon. I desperate (like when I dont know what to do, under pressure), and thinking about MAYBE WASHING THE CUP WHEN HE IS DONE? but i FEELING that i cant do it, I will never look at that cup the same again, feel again. Then I think that maybe probably if I was on my meds this would be very different. I wouldn't feel like I can never be the same again (with my cup) and maybe I wouldnt even feel much in the first place. But would I take my cup, save my cup in the first place? Would I make a move to protect myself? this is im asking now and maybe did in a dream too. 

ps its gotten hard to blind type, missing the keys, getting Very angry, hitting myself.