a woman, i am afraid, might come over for a kitten, uninvited. i foolishly told her the entrance number. and there is a way to save the kittens from her of course - take them in, for a day, two, a week. but that will stop them from being adopted by real humans. 
I couldnt fall asleep this AM thinking about what i should do. get a  kitten shampoo - numbler one. i am stalling to not go outside. idk. also the anxiety feels like pain, it feels wrong to move, to do what needs to be done. bc i am not SURE it does. and thats the whole thing. i need CERTAINTY, dead steel certainty that what I do, what i am about to do, what i am thinking of doing, needs to be done. or it needs to feel very right. and have no elements of mental disorders. which, rare. as u know.

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