a woman, i am afraid, might come over for a kitten, uninvited. i foolishly told her the entrance number. and there is a way to save the kittens from her of course - take them in, for a day, two, a week. but that will stop them from being adopted by real humans.
I couldnt fall asleep this AM thinking about what i should do. get a kitten shampoo - numbler one. i am stalling to not go outside. idk. also the anxiety feels like pain, it feels wrong to move, to do what needs to be done. bc i am not SURE it does. and thats the whole thing. i need CERTAINTY, dead steel certainty that what I do, what i am about to do, what i am thinking of doing, needs to be done. or it needs to feel very right. and have no elements of mental disorders. which, rare. as u know.
Awful awful?
So, this probably awful thing has happened, a vet touched me. Yes just my arm and shoulder. Yes it MAYBE OK, it maybe benign an a misunderstanding. god i hope so. But it felt so not benign. like the moment he touched, the moment he sat down A BIT TOO CLOSE even, i knew its not benign. After vasya touched me w his dick its on sight (on touch lol). I dont know what a normal person would do in this situation. Should I care? I am not one, and I cant act like one, not without detriment. OK. So i probs wont text the vet i like and ask has she left bc of him. Good idea but idk i dont feel it. Just will try to keep Einy's eyes safe. No visits please I beg. The awful thing is ive started, JUST A BIT, hating Einy. Bc I wouldnt be in that situatiash w o him. I feel awful for it, but its there, the feeling. And its kinda like when Alena said shes married. I felt that Einy and me are done. NOt entirely, and i wasnt sure. But it felt like what was keeping me and him as father and so...
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