I dont want to write this

 But this is what the blog is for - things I dont want to think about.
I am thinking about K and the p-scare, im thinking about her being obsessed with me, hopefully not in l*ve. 
I told her she needs a real help and the only thing she replied with was Listen are u ok?

no, no i am not. dont talk to me unless i can help. and u are willing to do the work. this always feels egotistic when I am trying to protect myself and my sanity from her these days. Like she IS in a bad situation and she IS swiss idol. But i am on a duty to protect myself. Bc if I dont NOBODY will, among humans anyway. And Jesus did say something about helping oneself first, right? Did I imagine this?

Also that Oxygen Mask On Self First thing. Which totally make sense.

I promised to not allow myself to be emotional with her, by which i most probably mean emotionally connected. I am now supposed to be a cold helper, but only if theres a solid way I can help. And not in a YOU CAN BREAK YOURSELF IF THAT MEANS HELPING HER OUT type of way. Bc this is suicidal, this is mad, this is insane, this is what I promised  swore to never allow myself to be like again.

And G*d is willing I intend on keeping my word.
But I need irl friends like CLOSE to me, I am still alone.

I've decided I am still a virgin again now. Thank u Nicole. G*d bless you. This is so important to me for many reasons, most of which I am not actively aware of.

Anyway I am feeling better now having written this down. Thank you blogdiary. Bye

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pls God, make it so this isnt a prophetic dream about Kate's kid. PLEASE LORD make it so it doesn't ever exist.

My room is flooded. The water from the outside flood is flowing through balcony door into my room. I was away for a while and it is going on. Was I in prison? (look below) Im thinking about pumping it all outside, but this would do nothing, as the flood would just pour back in. And buckets wont help either, its even less effective. I am feeling helpess and weak, and powerless (not the word. its like Frustrated+Powerless?). Then i see a big branch from the tree (of life), just lying here on the carpet/floor. It was here before (it wasnt or i couldnt see it), I thinkfeelimagine cutting it in a way that will make it placeable in the doorframe of baclony, acting as a sandbag, a dam. Saving me. from floodwater.  And I have a handsaw in my hand, with red handle. I start sawing, my thoughts say "Its an all-purpose saw, its best for [metal,aluminum,wood,concrete], but can be used also on [wood? this wood?]", and as they do Im thinkfeeling how good of a purchase that was. (Also this i...
Read more

im a violent child

 Mom was saying i sent a photo of myself instead of the document i needed to send. it was making me angry, in a childhood way.  She came into my room and kept on. I allowed myself to throw nail cutter and a laser pointer at the wall, 1.5 meters away from mom. my uke fell down. She went out of my room, saying "throw at my head next", why did it piss me off so badly? why did i succumbed to the desire to throw a heavy hitting, dangerous pestle. i had an image of doing it right at her head, her head bleeding (or maybe it was later), as  was aiming, i think. I was torn between giving her all ive got, hurting her (the way she hurt me?? is that it), and throwing it behind the door/at something in my room/ but i didnt want to hurt (i meant to say damage) anything in my room and also i didnt want her to not realize i threw it. So i threw the pestle at the door, i hoped it would just hit the dull part and fall, or slide/ricochet and doesnt hit my mom. But to my actual surprise it d...
Read more

I've always wanted to have a dog

 i have a dog now, he is very cute, reminds me a bit of Frosya, i feel calm joy when i play with him. I'm glad we have him. he comes to be pet, his fur is kinky and curly, dense but soft. understanding and friendly, inviting. i don't remember us taking him. it feels like he has been with us no more than two days (is this bc i told mom I'm ashamed of what I've done to her yesterday?)
Read more