No thanks

 a dream where i am at school, its night or evening- its dark.
I am about to get outside, gohome maybe. The abuser stands near the doors to the acting hall and the gym. He wants me to go with him. He is very insistent on that. I think at first i am like.. Ok. but almost instantly I feel i dont need to go with him. Bc if i do there will be people, and him, who will try to [my brain says Corrupt, and it is not wrong.], indoctrinate. Maybe. Theres a danger of harm. So i say I wont. I m staying. He is mad at me. I think. Does he go alone outside? i think. i feel relief. I go to down the corridor, into OUR corridor <3, I think - I shouldve/should next time just stay away from him, stay upstairs, hide?, go through the second exit. I feel like he will still be MAD mad at me, angry, but it will not affect me. ANd i feel a guilt of resisting the violence/abuse, you know the feeling. the disgusting I Must Submit I Must not Resist one. Fuck it and fuck him. I am resisting, I am hiding, I am doing whatever is necessary to keep me Safe.

I am surprised and relieved to see my mothers classroom being open. And no one inside. No mom. I enter and i feel safe. I know he will not [dare to?] get me there. The classroom is nice and theres lights on when i enter.


[Nicole asked, insisted on knowing what my last name was. I was gonna give it to her, but i resisted. I am proud of myself question mark.
NOTE: she is not associated with abuser, its just my pattern of submitting to dangers  that is on display here. And guilt when i dont. And feeling sick and in danger and of inevitable harm. Dirty, swampy feeling, sucking u right in when u step onto it]


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