music of the dream lotus .... by Hayley Williams (and i will not compare other beauty to mine)

start: vasily, he is trying to get inside or keep the door open. my mother just told him no about something. mom pushes the door closed but he still keeps it open, i join her, no wait i join before she pushes that hard. i really try but i realize he is really strong, despite alcoholism and age. I'm to my mom's right now. we are pushing together, but he keeps it open. i feel a bit of a threat. thankfully, yuri from the fifth floor and also from our floor was coming down/opened the door and saw. i was afraid he won't hear the threats of vasily but then that fuck did it again. and he took him.. by the hand? and started talking to him in the middle of our flight of stairs. i think ok HE can kick his ass easy no problem. I'm almost about to hear his life story.

I'm at the store, the non-existent now one, where I've met that classmate girls mom. i realize i, we are safe from him. but still i can't get what i want from this freebie part of the store.

i turn to the double doors, the space between them, and see the night stand table with things on it, prints, magazines. i want to look through them when i get a sensation that there might be The Journal. i look thorough them and sure enough 




interlude: ive recalled a dream where i am in a class, left row, i think packing my things? abuser is there, to the right, somewhere in the rows. something sweet (emotionally), I'm expecting something nice 


i find in the midst of it a journal! that to me in the dream looks familiar. i look thru the pages and they are dark! they are black! I'm so happy i found it. i thought I've dreamed it up! but it is real! it's here! and i can read it [like in childhood, i think-feel]. i come to the store keeper or guy to thank him. i start telling him about how (good this store is?) and almost start to cry. i am almost about to tell him about the Journal but i already am starting sobbing with joy, holding, going thru pages, think-feeling that this Is the Journal! i found it! so i turn away and wait for it to pass, it slowly does...

(my future???)

it already exists, so i probably should not make it?? question mark 


Cheyenne and how we were about to marry.. 












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