An Emotional Journey

 folks everyday im dying every day i wake up with a small, bright, but pessimistic nevertheless, hope that the day will be good. I do my prayer, I write in my diary/journal, i brush whats left of my teeth. I drink coffee. From that point onward it can go either way - I can become very weak and powerless, or excited about the future, joyous (i think it might be manic instead. but i have to take what i can get). Called the uemployment place, fearing Ive lost my chance. Turns out not only did I not lose it, I also gain one more, on the 24th of March. I need to get my resume in order, maybe I can get hired! Maybe. After talking to the one I love the Most and her saying I shouldnt keep the kittens my mood went downhill fast, now I very pessimistic, I cant seem to find any hope, not really, just cant FEEL i have any hopeful options. Even though there definitely are, many.  I think it has something to do with me not having ANY support, mother isn't it at all, she can barely help hers...

 Fell thru on my big idea of bloggin about my mental state every day and what not. Guess this meant i was pretty ok during that textually lackluster period. and i was! coffee? no green tea and chamomile. that really did a good to my brain. granted, it also probably raised my blood pressure. But i felt good and capable, plus, unlike phenibut, that mix doesnt cause real dependance, as far as I can tell. Anyway, happy International Women's Day to no one reading this. today i wasnt helpful at all, despite the mix. it really didnt work for two days now. idk idk. Maybe its bc of how I sleep? But also I do like to wake up at 6am and do... ?? something? i guess? Mainly browsing aimlessly and playin games i dont really enjoy that much. But it feels like i am productive plainly due to the hours i am awake at.Do they pay for having an early bird sleeping schedule? itss 9:11pm and I will try to go to bed AND fall asleep before 11. Try. ALSO. i dont remember if Ive written on this already, but ...

 And speaking of honesty - I AM GOING THRU SOME SHIT. I cant find hope most mornings, usually those are overcast ones, but today is very sunny and honestly good, yet! i still felt like the weight of all of my problems multiplied and nestled itself right atop of my silly silly head. Why do does it feel i cant move when there are things i must do, but dont know how or feel capable to do? its been like this since... well... I am 33 and i think it has been a problem for 25? Ish? Anyway. Everything is fun   fine, even if i dont, cant feel like it. I drank coffee, took two phenibuts, will try to face my fear later on. Maybe some games? that helps with executive dysfunction, bc I GUESS in games i can do whatever and anything!! yeay. maybe will crank one out too. Champagne if i have to. Ok cheers.

and i know its gonna be awful hard. but it is better than keeping everything inside.

Going off medication can be scary. You were in control - or rather you knew you had a say in how you felt; but it was a choice between feeling good (or really weird and uncomfortable!) and feeling really really shitty. It's a safe thing, you know? A reliable thing. I am going off my medication, it has served its purpose, it is overstaying its welcome by a Lot. The one I am on right now is a last in the chain of many I was taking in the course of the last year and a half. If you keep telling your psych the anxiety isn't going away, attempt after medicinal attempt, eventually they will prescribe you something that will get its claws deep in your body. I wasn't told clonazepam causes severe dependence, not a peep about it, just a casual "This is stronger than your usual meds, don't overdo it."         Each next - mostly antipsychotics - was there to help me go off the previous one. Because they all created depenence of their own. Turns out I am terrified of commi...