An Emotional Journey

 This is the last summer of my life and I want to spend it nice

 So, this probably awful thing has happened, a vet touched me. Yes just my arm and shoulder. Yes it MAYBE OK, it maybe benign an a misunderstanding. god i hope so. But it felt so not benign. like the moment he touched, the moment he sat down A BIT TOO CLOSE even, i knew its not benign. After vasya touched me w his dick its on sight (on touch lol).  I dont know what a normal person would do in this situation. Should I care? I am not one, and I cant act like one, not without detriment. OK. So i probs wont text the vet i like and ask has she left bc of him. Good idea but idk i dont feel it. Just will try to keep Einy's eyes safe. No visits please I beg. The awful thing is ive started, JUST A BIT, hating Einy. Bc I wouldnt be in that situatiash w o  him. I feel awful for it, but its there, the feeling. And its kinda like when Alena said shes married. I felt that Einy and me are done. NOt entirely, and i wasnt sure. But it felt like what was keeping me and him as father and son, was her

 я сижу каугерл стайл на унитазе и думаю о том, когда мне удастся вырваться. "даю себе ещё один год, до 36..."начинаю и не даю себе закончить, так как понимаю что это не правильно. это не поможет, наоборот. я дам себе время до сорока, думаю я  я представляю себя мягким (не комплимент) 36-39 летним мужчиной, живущим всё ещё здесь, stuck, с мамой. Пример для детей?  я сижу у окна на коленях, на чем то мягком, на шерстяном свитере мамы? и писаю под себя. колени касаются стекла. я рад что окно заперто, а то я мог бы открыть случайно. я спокоен о том, что меня не могут увидеть голым, тк моя писька в тени. я pointedly спокоен об этом. я смотрю, внешнее окно открыто(нет? не знаю что это). и смотрю на ручку внутреннего, и она повернута. открыто? я поворачиваю чтобы закрыть, и у меня получается его открыть. я закрываю и поворачиваю ручку в прежнее состояние. мне кажется я могу случайно его открыть. я продолжаю писать, очень приятно и свободно. но последнее мне почему то стыдно у окна,

 i have a dog now, he is very cute, reminds me a bit of Frosya, i feel calm joy when i play with him. I'm glad we have him. he comes to be pet, his fur is kinky and curly, dense but soft. understanding and friendly, inviting. i don't remember us taking him. it feels like he has been with us no more than two days (is this bc i told mom I'm ashamed of what I've done to her yesterday?)

 Mom was saying i sent a photo of myself instead of the document i needed to send. it was making me angry, in a childhood way.  She came into my room and kept on. I allowed myself to throw nail cutter and a laser pointer at the wall, 1.5 meters away from mom. my uke fell down. She went out of my room, saying "throw at my head next", why did it piss me off so badly? why did i succumbed to the desire to throw a heavy hitting, dangerous pestle. i had an image of doing it right at her head, her head bleeding (or maybe it was later), as  was aiming, i think. I was torn between giving her all ive got, hurting her (the way she hurt me?? is that it), and throwing it behind the door/at something in my room/ but i didnt want to hurt (i meant to say damage) anything in my room and also i didnt want her to not realize i threw it. So i threw the pestle at the door, i hoped it would just hit the dull part and fall, or slide/ricochet and doesnt hit my mom. But to my actual surprise it did,

 Im [verb that expresses instant fear] that Alena didnt receive thee photos of the lake ive sent her (irl ive sent them to Olga <3), AGAIN THE TELEGRAM DIDNT SEND THING AND JUST DELETED IT and OH ive written some things there too! and now i will never recall what thaat was! and will never send them!  Then i realie that ive seen her sent me a photo, first, herself, silently (without a caption), and i just thought it was a rassilka. I go back and look Alena in her apartment. Cyberpunk redesign of her NEW STREAMING PLACE. Very cozy, not the usual jrring rgb dark aesthetic, very calm and HERS. Though its a photo i can see the place in 3d