An Emotional Journey

 Dream one - i shoot my grandchild (the smallest one the gentlelest one) with a BB bullet. I aim for the head, to kill, but end up making a hole in her chin, there a exit wound thank goodness, or she would get lead poisoning. She isnt in pain she just feel uncomfortable itch. I am crying, i think. I dont want to kill my grandchildren. (Even if I feel that maybe its a right decision. Maybe. This unsuccessful shot really made it much more difficult if not impossible to kill them). I think of shooting the second time. It feels both wrong and right. I am not shooting the second time. I feel love and sadness and compassion towards her. Dream two - a crawl space that is the upper cabinet of my room's wardrobe. It wayy longer than irl. Someone has crawled thru it already, my friend or acquaintance, and I used to do it, even if it was a bit frightening, creepy. It was safe, it felt both dangerous and safe. Now I want to do it again, theres dust and it unsettles me (unfamiliar past? the pas...

 I woke up in a good, nay! great mood, didnt go back to bed after usual morning routine. But now I am facing the choice (ok ive made it already its made ok) - do I drink coffee, do I try to wait until it FEELS like I need coffee, do I drink something w/o caffeine in it (i have hibiscus tea but its v acidic. ouchie my teefies). Bc I can already feel the BAD waking up and I need something to offset that stupid dumb annoying foreign alien not-mine is it mine? by gods i hope its not mine, harmful, poorly controllable shit. I've decided to microdose coffee this time. Half a teaspoon.  My back hurts a lil. I've been working out yesterevening. That's all for right now

 My friend - who never called me a friend and whom Ive never called a friend - told me to write her at any hour of the day, and maybe even call. And thats a good friend (to-be?). I felt nice reading that. Because today was incredibly shitty*. Mental pain. I hate it *i called merc bentz to ask about a job opportunity aand they said THEY HAVE NEVER HAD THAT JOB AT ALL EVER, Nice. But that wasnt really bad i wasnt feeling ready for that job anyway.

 Its hailing in my soul. It's a rain that's not welcome. Its cold and painful and rude and harming.  And unlike an actual hail outside my window right now, I dont like it. God, why am I feeling the way I do.

 I feel like a whisper of myself that i dont even like to hear, dont want to know, that doesnt.. even sound. An angry, numb, reactive, hurt, unsure. Not present. GODS im tired of it. That is, i think i am, its hard to feel even that.  I am alright when I lie on my bed. When I peer at my screen. When I play games. I think I need to do something, it makes me panic instantly. So I forget* I wish I could be something better than this.  *And wasnt it just like that when you were forgetting your homework tasks? Huh, kid?

I deeply associate myself with Eddie Kaspbrak. Maybe more than with any other Stephen King character. And I find my mother painfully similar (in some ways, thankfully not all) with Sonia. I get angry for Eds, I get inspired by his victories, I cheer him on when he tries his best. I smile a grateful smile when he succeeds. Even his death was a victory.

 So I've had a good day yesterday. My friend sent me a link w a job offering and made me (she didnt have to try too hard) send a proposal. Havne't gotten a reply yet but its ok.  Went shopping and used my own money (disability money but they are ONLY MINE! ) to buy a mars bar and a pepsi. Pepsi sucked. Is that the one that tastes better at room temp? Mentally the walk was weird and unpleasant for like an hour? two? But i survived. Low blood sugar, phen, and caffeine - bad. Took my new phone with me for the first time. It saw the streets of my town and loved them! <3! My phone is so pretty and sweet.