Oh, dreams, you really get me :)

 Dream one - i shoot my grandchild (the smallest one the gentlelest one) with a BB bullet. I aim for the head, to kill, but end up making a hole in her chin, there a exit wound thank goodness, or she would get lead poisoning. She isnt in pain she just feel uncomfortable itch. I am crying, i think. I dont want to kill my grandchildren. (Even if I feel that maybe its a right decision. Maybe. This unsuccessful shot really made it much more difficult if not impossible to kill them). I think of shooting the second time. It feels both wrong and right. I am not shooting the second time. I feel love and sadness and compassion towards her.

Dream two - a crawl space that is the upper cabinet of my room's wardrobe. It wayy longer than irl. Someone has crawled thru it already, my friend or acquaintance, and I used to do it, even if it was a bit frightening, creepy. It was safe, it felt both dangerous and safe. Now I want to do it again, theres dust and it unsettles me (unfamiliar past? the past that doesnt feel quite right?). But i decide whatever! i can do it. And i start crawling, but my WIDE shoulders cant seem to get thru, and i feel if i try to force myself ("it will be easier once you've started!") I will get stuck there. I try once more - maybe i was wrong and its just a feeling! Nope. My shoulders had grown too wide for me to do this. I ~can~ try to make myself more narrow, but just HOW narrow i can get - i do not know. Third time. A more immediate feeling of my wide adult shoulders. There are water pipes now, under-the -sink ones, I think that I will have even harder time now to get through the tunnel, even if i did it before. Did i do it before with pipes?
I will never get through to my [childhood hiding spaces] again. Its sad. And I worry about who will take care of them, of all the things I've left behind. Someone should. I think about how I used to crawl in there, how I NOW am fearing that feeling, that would be different now, more scary, more dangerous. More STUCKy, I miss it and I am afraid of it. I truly am afraid of getting stuck in the [crawlspaces]

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