Im back again on the fifth floor (lots of real REAL fast descention down the stairs. im SO GOOD at this now. barely any slowing down in the air. is this a good thing. i feel like it is). Ira and Vasya left for some times, went to relatives, and their apartment is left to us. I go upstairs. Im inside. when i touch something he probably or def touched i feel icky. But unless it s a definite TOUCHED a LOT i dont feel i will wash myself from that. Looking thru the balcony window. Going to the kitchen to look at the old ways the things were on the walls. But they are mostly not that way anymore. They are not there. I wanted to see them question mark. (I feel that i dont wanna touch anything, walls, but still to go there and look, i ingore the possibilty of touching. AND a little bit of not being allowed? there? or like... not being supposed to be there) (as i do those and other things, after doing most of them, i think OH maybe they have webcameras around. He would oh he WOULD. its a future and he could do it if he wanted to. ... spy on me and what im doing up here in his lair. I worry but shrug it off, like ok even if they do see me.. so what. i did some weird things but?) (but what?)
Awful awful?
So, this probably awful thing has happened, a vet touched me. Yes just my arm and shoulder. Yes it MAYBE OK, it maybe benign an a misunderstanding. god i hope so. But it felt so not benign. like the moment he touched, the moment he sat down A BIT TOO CLOSE even, i knew its not benign. After vasya touched me w his dick its on sight (on touch lol). I dont know what a normal person would do in this situation. Should I care? I am not one, and I cant act like one, not without detriment. OK. So i probs wont text the vet i like and ask has she left bc of him. Good idea but idk i dont feel it. Just will try to keep Einy's eyes safe. No visits please I beg. The awful thing is ive started, JUST A BIT, hating Einy. Bc I wouldnt be in that situatiash w o him. I feel awful for it, but its there, the feeling. And its kinda like when Alena said shes married. I felt that Einy and me are done. NOt entirely, and i wasnt sure. But it felt like what was keeping me and him as father and so...
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