An Emotional Journey

 Dream one - i shoot my grandchild (the smallest one the gentlelest one) with a BB bullet. I aim for the head, to kill, but end up making a hole in her chin, there a exit wound thank goodness, or she would get lead poisoning. She isnt in pain she just feel uncomfortable itch. I am crying, i think. I dont want to kill my grandchildren. (Even if I feel that maybe its a right decision. Maybe. This unsuccessful shot really made it much more difficult if not impossible to kill them). I think of shooting the second time. It feels both wrong and right. I am not shooting the second time. I feel love and sadness and compassion towards her. Dream two - a crawl space that is the upper cabinet of my room's wardrobe. It wayy longer than irl. Someone has crawled thru it already, my friend or acquaintance, and I used to do it, even if it was a bit frightening, creepy. It was safe, it felt both dangerous and safe. Now I want to do it again, theres dust and it unsettles me (unfamiliar past? the pas...

 I woke up in a good, nay! great mood, didnt go back to bed after usual morning routine. But now I am facing the choice (ok ive made it already its made ok) - do I drink coffee, do I try to wait until it FEELS like I need coffee, do I drink something w/o caffeine in it (i have hibiscus tea but its v acidic. ouchie my teefies). Bc I can already feel the BAD waking up and I need something to offset that stupid dumb annoying foreign alien not-mine is it mine? by gods i hope its not mine, harmful, poorly controllable shit. I've decided to microdose coffee this time. Half a teaspoon.  My back hurts a lil. I've been working out yesterevening. That's all for right now

 My friend - who never called me a friend and whom Ive never called a friend - told me to write her at any hour of the day, and maybe even call. And thats a good friend (to-be?). I felt nice reading that. Because today was incredibly shitty*. Mental pain. I hate it *i called merc bentz to ask about a job opportunity aand they said THEY HAVE NEVER HAD THAT JOB AT ALL EVER, Nice. But that wasnt really bad i wasnt feeling ready for that job anyway.

 Its hailing in my soul. It's a rain that's not welcome. Its cold and painful and rude and harming.  And unlike an actual hail outside my window right now, I dont like it. God, why am I feeling the way I do.

 I feel like a whisper of myself that i dont even like to hear, dont want to know, that doesnt.. even sound. An angry, numb, reactive, hurt, unsure. Not present. GODS im tired of it. That is, i think i am, its hard to feel even that.  I am alright when I lie on my bed. When I peer at my screen. When I play games. I think I need to do something, it makes me panic instantly. So I forget* I wish I could be something better than this.  *And wasnt it just like that when you were forgetting your homework tasks? Huh, kid?

I deeply associate myself with Eddie Kaspbrak. Maybe more than with any other Stephen King character. And I find my mother painfully similar (in some ways, thankfully not all) with Sonia. I get angry for Eds, I get inspired by his victories, I cheer him on when he tries his best. I smile a grateful smile when he succeeds. Even his death was a victory.

 So I've had a good day yesterday. My friend sent me a link w a job offering and made me (she didnt have to try too hard) send a proposal. Havne't gotten a reply yet but its ok.  Went shopping and used my own money (disability money but they are ONLY MINE! ) to buy a mars bar and a pepsi. Pepsi sucked. Is that the one that tastes better at room temp? Mentally the walk was weird and unpleasant for like an hour? two? But i survived. Low blood sugar, phen, and caffeine - bad. Took my new phone with me for the first time. It saw the streets of my town and loved them! <3! My phone is so pretty and sweet.

 I've decided to embrace it! I dont have hope for the future. I dont have a future. Let's see how it goes!

 i dont know what im supposed to do in this life! I dont know how to start the life! Im very suicidal today mostly because of not having any hope. not feeling any hope

 I felt like utter, incapable shit, so I took 3/4 of phen. And i think that worked! Yahoo to the day?? 

 Sandstorm over our town, the strongest wind we've ever had, I cant go to school in those conditions, can i?? I keep losing my papers, my notebooks, now Im sure somebody is taking them. And its not even the abuser. I am at a new job and can't find my resume Throwing away previously precious envelopes from 1976. Feeling bittersweet, feeling free-er. Doing it not without being grateful.

 I hate my kittens. I have 4 kittens and 3 adult cats. It's too much. They are too much, too active, too needy, too loud and raucous. There's no escaping them, always on edge, always slightly angry. I never meant to be like that, i have always love kittens and puppies, i LOVED them. Back when my parents would take care of the stuff of life and I got to play and chill with the animals. When you grow up, your heart dies

 Just had a smoke, a much needed one. Feeling trapped in my anxious body is so painful, cigs help they really do, even if I get cancer further along the road. At least then I will have assistance of everyone I know. That's a plus. ALl those people who have too much work, too much whatever going on to talk to me, to show a sliver of interest, they will come flocking around my sickbed, even better - my deathbed. And outwardly sickly and sad, inside I would be triumphant. Finally they are showing me love and attention I need so. While I'm cancer-free tho, I am afraid of it, but it feels good to think about that. And now my anxiety has sufficiently subsided, for a few hours. Can't believe mom doesnt suspect anything. I am glad she doesn't suspect anything. Please, never start suspecting a thing.

 There awas me thinking I done did going off phenibut. Me, lying in me bed with a mild but prolonged panic attack: Hmm I wonder what's that about! Anyway, took half a pill let's see how this goes

 Ok im not really good at this. ( suicide talk below ) I've only recalled I have a blog after thinking I should search for a Suicidals subreddit, due to, you know, being suicidal almost every day of every week. But this works too. Hi. Things were happenening, and they were not happenening. No major changes and yet some changes. No one is calling me from the many jobs Ive applied to aND EVEN IF THEY DID! I am fairly uncertain I could maintain a job. Does not being able to function on a day to day basis constitute an inability to have a job? Afraid I wont know the answer until I get to test it myself. *cough* second fucking time *coughghghgh* I am Very good at doing one task. Just one and I am fine. I can focus, I can strategize, I can function. As of right now I am under constant (emphasis) pressure of like 5 big things I HAVE to do. Naturally I am unable to even start getting to it. Please I just need one thing at a time and I will be the most successful person this side of Styx. A...