An Emotional Journey

 today I've told myself i have a girlfriend  (I've had serious anxiety all day after waking up the second time(the devs) and in the evening i took 3 4ths of phen. then another.. half. was standing on the balcony w Einy while he was eating grass and it was cold and calm and i had a little release and a revelation) i want her so much sometimes. it feels good to know i am no longer alone, to have a girlfriend again, wish it was as new and волнующе, as it was with A. but it won't. and it's ok

 im on a plane, im in the body or like REALLY close to someone that i cant see but who doesnt speak but is being talked to by Grims and ElnMsk. The real ones. Grms is making fun, of them or with them? of them. I can hardly believe this is my grms. I am no longer in the seat. I look at where ive been - its a row of toilets, two ppl on them, man and woman, shitting, grms and msk are beside them, pointing fingers and being funny. The toilets are in front of the rows of seats. By the fact grms and msk are here i can tell this is first class, And these two on the toilet are also first class. A woman holds her head in her hands, she lowered her head. In exhaustion and despair at these two. A man sits unmovingly. no reaction to the shenanigans. I look at grmese and think-feel that i thought she is better, she is a good person, and this is her real self.. Oh also i address mom about how the toilet is in front of everyone and she annoyedly shuts me up. I try to point at it again, she is eve...

 music of the dream lotus .... by Hayley Williams (and i will not compare other beauty to mine) start: vasily, he is trying to get inside or keep the door open. my mother just told him no about something. mom pushes the door closed but he still keeps it open, i join her, no wait i join before she pushes that hard. i really try but i realize he is really strong, despite alcoholism and age. I'm to my mom's right now. we are pushing together, but he keeps it open. i feel a bit of a threat. thankfully, yuri from the fifth floor and also from our floor was coming down/opened the door and saw. i was afraid he won't hear the threats of vasily but then that fuck did it again. and he took him.. by the hand? and started talking to him in the middle of our flight of stairs. i think ok HE can kick his ass easy no problem. I'm almost about to hear his life story. I'm at the store, the non-existent now one, where I've met that classmate girls mom. i realize i, we are safe fro...

 I am on the balcony and guys screamm to me about Where to find something i think. I tell or something. They are glad. I show the horns they cheer. I am on the vasily balcony. I think about how SCARY AS FUCK it would be to stand on the railing HERE, It would unimaginable. I shudder. I AM there.  I am so high above the ground it pains me. I am on dacha, i suddenly have a cultivator machine. I try it, it works, its easy to operate. I churn earth, i switch speeds, NOW it works great and fast. A big portion of our land is done, the rest is getting done slower, i switch back and forth between speeds. on the first it barely does anything. on the highest i am afraid it will cut my arm off. Arm off. I keep imagining it snapping back at me. There are neighbours present. Its night, moonlight. It feels a bit magical. I churn earth, I prepare for planting, for harvest.

 a dream where i am at school, its night or evening- its dark. I am about to get outside, gohome maybe. The abuser stands near the doors to the acting hall and the gym. He wants me to go with him. He is very insistent on that. I think at first i am like.. Ok. but almost instantly I feel i dont need to go with him. Bc if i do there will be people, and him, who will try to [my brain says Corrupt, and it is not wrong.], indoctrinate. Maybe. Theres a danger of harm. So i say I wont. I m staying. He is mad at me. I think. Does he go alone outside? i think. i feel relief. I go to down the corridor, into OUR corridor <3, I think - I shouldve/should next time just stay away from him, stay upstairs, hide?, go through the second exit. I feel like he will still be MAD mad at me, angry, but it will not affect me. ANd i feel a guilt of resisting the violence/abuse, you know the feeling. the disgusting I Must Submit I Must not Resist one. Fuck it and fuck him. I am resisting, I am hiding, I a...

 Oh yea, the dream from yesterday about A, talking to me, to us, via the carpet on my wall. She is affectionate and misses us, me. Then theres a cold, distant A, who talks without much emotion, she is married to a Middle eastern/caucasian man in ... that arabic hat. He gets suspicious about the framed photo of her I hold in my hands. I hold it hard, the frame gets a little bent. I tell him we are friends, WE love her, she loves US, and we desire for her and HIM to be happy, bc we are friends and love [THEM?]. anyway i lie thru my teeth, with the usual feeling i have when i do suck up to someone powerful. He believes i think.  And when i look at the photo again, its her, the heart is in the front, her legs are naked and her butt is in undies, pink, and i marvel at the photo and the fact that he didnt react to that in any way (even tho i showed him, put it right in front of his face). Anyway. I keep try to see the secret message on the carpet, and the first time- easy. i dont re...

 I've been trying to find a way to subscribe to Prototype mag, but couldn't find a link anywhere. wrote "Prototype mag subscription" on the fields of a mag. clicked it. then another. and another. mom threw away the Prototype mags i cared about and there was something sexy in them  I'm gonna try to find Prototype mag in real life (or make it! all the unusual ideas, too weird for mainstream publishers, too novel, the prototypes of ideas) (or just a mag about prototypes)