An Emotional Journey

My room is flooded. The water from the outside flood is flowing through balcony door into my room. I was away for a while and it is going on. Was I in prison? (look below) Im thinking about pumping it all outside, but this would do nothing, as the flood would just pour back in. And buckets wont help either, its even less effective. I am feeling helpess and weak, and powerless (not the word. its like Frustrated+Powerless?). Then i see a big branch from the tree (of life), just lying here on the carpet/floor. It was here before (it wasnt or i couldnt see it), I thinkfeelimagine cutting it in a way that will make it placeable in the doorframe of baclony, acting as a sandbag, a dam. Saving me. from floodwater.  And I have a handsaw in my hand, with red handle. I start sawing, my thoughts say "Its an all-purpose saw, its best for [metal,aluminum,wood,concrete], but can be used also on [wood? this wood?]", and as they do Im thinkfeeling how good of a purchase that was. (Also this i...

 I saw a dream, I imagined myself being 45 and STILL living with my mom. The embarrassment I've felt, the hurt, the sense of self-betrayal... I dont want this to happen. But i fell unable to stop it. At least in a dream. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- maybe same dream or not - family brought many things to sell, magnitolas, tvs, i took one,  then kate was lying sick, cold, in the bed, i went to check her mouth like cat's  and when i was doing this husband kept saying some shit and i needed him to shut up. When he didnt i started hitting him. and jumping WWE style on him. but he had a таз on his head and he was probs too fat to even get any damage. and he didnt do anything as if i didnt hurt him at all. but it wasnt stopping me. Anyway i hate writing about this. she texted me today like Hi are u asleep. ANYWAY anyway, i congratulated her with her decision to move out ...

 I go down to the first floor of school, i think its night time or evening. it always is.  Its the PE part of it, Alena's and Mine. Its different now.  There are people there, I feel like going to the PE class to exercise. It is a pretty sudden feeling that I CAN now do it. I am capable. Wait no this is a bit later. But the feeling that I wanna go there is now. I go past the ppl. Its dark and blue. Like in that dream. OR NOT A DREAM it wasnt a dream, i was alone with the boys in that hallway when the lights went out or they turned them on and they were saying Tishina Drug Molodezhi. Dark Blue. I see the door to the gym, its where the art class is irl. And there are people too. And THEN i think I will just walk past them and (if they are not my former classmates) do some pullups, bc i probably can do that and its a respectable thing to do actually and its gonna be alright. Maybe even if they ARE my classmates. Then i am close to the open door and there are only guys, from ...

 In grandparents room. Many ppl. Many cats. I look around and we have just... recently moved in here from the second floor apartment. This is new and less.. it has less soul. I want to go back. I realize that new ppl live there now and i cant go back. they dont know me. it would be very awkward to do it. it cant be done. panic sets in, the usual kind when i cant reverse something, or ALMOST cant. but really really wanna do it. I think about taking pills or something to commit suicide, and to write my note about how it is bc i cant live there anymore. [is this childish is this bad]. WHY DID WE MOVE HERE IT WAS SO GOOD DOWN THERE. its not our apartment everything is foreign. My cats are mine. They came with us (interesting, this). Sean and others are on the windowsill. The windows open in a strange way, the slit is very straight and smooth and straight edged. 90 degrees, it doesnt have features, just an opening. And it has less protections here too. And the outside windowsill... it h...

 Alena, her mom, and me are walking. We are standing by the store. Her mom's hair is long and black. Karen Kilgariff? The store... and its my house too? and theres my mom too but theres none? is Alena mixed w my mom?  There's some social or othetwise problem and i say theres gotta be a solution. her mom is not around atm, the house is green, the pale green thats not ..unpleasant, but depressive. The first level is stores, and its plastic and its jutting out from the house. I think Is this where I live... No... Or is it... or something like that. I look up and THEN i understand/feel its my house, despite being where 777 used to be, 3 stories high. And THEN i suggest a solution.. Some solution that might exists. And imagine some plastic extention for windows.I sound and feel отчаянный when i do. Her mom is back and we go in the direction of Vistrel.  The key was given... to Me? To Alena? By Alena? as we have approached the what looks like overroad bridge on the way to big m...

 Alena and me are walking down/up the road from the bank to the "new market place". We pass two kissing couples. I feel this might be my chance to tell her. She stops by the corner wall to the former tech shop. And leans on the wall. SHe looks expectant. I try to come up with something emotional to saay about my feelings. But end up saying something apologetic like sorry i had something to say but uhh. She stands straight with a face of Nevermind... And I still am trying. But we walk to the market now. ANd i still am thinking. At the market we... idk i try to tell her? and i keep saying these общие фразы that sound shallow and feel even more shallow, bc they dont express what i want to. also a feeling that i am running out of time. it began when the dream began, and was getting more intense. but like the feeling of.. when i need to choose QUICKLY  but i dont know what is the best thing to choose. We are at the school ground, middle of the asphalt field. She is taller, she loo...

 We got inside a medical-religious-semieldritch cult. The resistance was fighting them to free their captives (now this included me aand those who came with me). It was opening portals where they couldnt find it. But had to relocate them of course every once in a while (eoiaw). In the end of the  dream the portal was under the bed. it was my bed irl but a bit different. It had moreblankets, sheets on it that were covering the bottom. Many have escaped with resistance's help. actually, all of those who needed to escape. I was the last one. Theres a character, a doctor, who reminds me of my grandma. But not. She is not kind inside.  I talk to her. Then when Im alone for a lil while i am decided and sneak under the bed.(btw this is based on the movie The Cleanse i was watching last night). Head first i wiggle further in. But it stops moving me half way and i internally emotionally panic, bc my legs are out there and if they are seen they will get caught and i will get pulled...