An Emotional Journey

 I am in my grandparents bedroom, the tv on the window is on. It shows a girl, i aa pink dress, strapless (not really),she is talking about something, being interviewed. I realie she looks like a Alena, so I feel like touching myself looking at her (a possibly pathologic type of desire i keep having lately). She is talking about her old cat, she is asked if he purrs, she says "Oh no, he is VERY old", it tugs on my heart strings. I get almost weepy. I back away and sit down on a couch. My dick is in front of me, pretty big, the shape of it is very well defined (like the guy from wikimedia's testicular masturbatio video ive watched yest.). I think about how Alena didnt come when Murzik died, i get myself angry about it, i suddenly feel justified in my anger, and feel love for her go away, but then i stop and it comes back. And it wasnt real, the anger. even tho it was justified.  I think about how I coulndt go to Moscow to save my life but now its easy for me. and how it wo...

 Alena invited me to some gathering. Its fully not romantic and its clear. Im there, its a big hall many people. She is to my left, between us a guy a boy, i think i came with him and some others (which will become clear only later in a dream). I dont know him, he is a neutral separator.  WAIT. before i get to the hall, Alena and me, we talk. i cant recall what about. then we get to the hall. We talk. Btw theeres no the BEFORE (usually v vivid for me) part, its a present tense narrative. We discuss soething important. Before the hall i think we talked about her husband, god its strange to write it. We came inside along with him. And he sits next row to the right, a sit back. He doest look at us (which feels a TINY bit weird), or me. He looks fairly indifferent and calm. Yet theres something concerning for him i feel. We discuss something important with Alena, its about kids maybe.I dont feel jealosy, i dont feel her aversion or anything, she is my friend who is a bit distyant ...

 When i was looking at this infant i was filled with such joy. Its not mine but im happy to see him. or her! its her right? i didnt notice anything hanging when they were out of sheets. So probs a boy.  So the begining of the dream, a square between roads, rain, snow melting, sludge, dirt. Car stop, oldish man in it, with a baby on the back seat. he get out, NO yes he does and he chucks the water out car, like boat, in my direction, hitting me with splashes/big drops every time, im upset, and a bit mad, but not doing anything but voicing my displeasure. Another man gets hit too i guess, and others, but this man goes to him to fight, what i was thinking, and he gets up to curb, he stops, water cant pass. I go, when man out car, not child. Child now in my magnit bag, ive put food with baby. I care for baby for now. He stole baby from parents. They will get baby but for now i care. I realize put frozen meat and vegs on baby. I think dead. I make peace with dead baby, i lost anima...

My room is flooded. The water from the outside flood is flowing through balcony door into my room. I was away for a while and it is going on. Was I in prison? (look below) Im thinking about pumping it all outside, but this would do nothing, as the flood would just pour back in. And buckets wont help either, its even less effective. I am feeling helpess and weak, and powerless (not the word. its like Frustrated+Powerless?). Then i see a big branch from the tree (of life), just lying here on the carpet/floor. It was here before (it wasnt or i couldnt see it), I thinkfeelimagine cutting it in a way that will make it placeable in the doorframe of baclony, acting as a sandbag, a dam. Saving me. from floodwater.  And I have a handsaw in my hand, with red handle. I start sawing, my thoughts say "Its an all-purpose saw, its best for [metal,aluminum,wood,concrete], but can be used also on [wood? this wood?]", and as they do Im thinkfeeling how good of a purchase that was. (Also this i...

 I saw a dream, I imagined myself being 45 and STILL living with my mom. The embarrassment I've felt, the hurt, the sense of self-betrayal... I dont want this to happen. But i fell unable to stop it. At least in a dream. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- maybe same dream or not - family brought many things to sell, magnitolas, tvs, i took one,  then kate was lying sick, cold, in the bed, i went to check her mouth like cat's  and when i was doing this husband kept saying some shit and i needed him to shut up. When he didnt i started hitting him. and jumping WWE style on him. but he had a таз on his head and he was probs too fat to even get any damage. and he didnt do anything as if i didnt hurt him at all. but it wasnt stopping me. Anyway i hate writing about this. she texted me today like Hi are u asleep. ANYWAY anyway, i congratulated her with her decision to move out ...

 I go down to the first floor of school, i think its night time or evening. it always is.  Its the PE part of it, Alena's and Mine. Its different now.  There are people there, I feel like going to the PE class to exercise. It is a pretty sudden feeling that I CAN now do it. I am capable. Wait no this is a bit later. But the feeling that I wanna go there is now. I go past the ppl. Its dark and blue. Like in that dream. OR NOT A DREAM it wasnt a dream, i was alone with the boys in that hallway when the lights went out or they turned them on and they were saying Tishina Drug Molodezhi. Dark Blue. I see the door to the gym, its where the art class is irl. And there are people too. And THEN i think I will just walk past them and (if they are not my former classmates) do some pullups, bc i probably can do that and its a respectable thing to do actually and its gonna be alright. Maybe even if they ARE my classmates. Then i am close to the open door and there are only guys, from ...

 In grandparents room. Many ppl. Many cats. I look around and we have just... recently moved in here from the second floor apartment. This is new and less.. it has less soul. I want to go back. I realize that new ppl live there now and i cant go back. they dont know me. it would be very awkward to do it. it cant be done. panic sets in, the usual kind when i cant reverse something, or ALMOST cant. but really really wanna do it. I think about taking pills or something to commit suicide, and to write my note about how it is bc i cant live there anymore. [is this childish is this bad]. WHY DID WE MOVE HERE IT WAS SO GOOD DOWN THERE. its not our apartment everything is foreign. My cats are mine. They came with us (interesting, this). Sean and others are on the windowsill. The windows open in a strange way, the slit is very straight and smooth and straight edged. 90 degrees, it doesnt have features, just an opening. And it has less protections here too. And the outside windowsill... it h...