An Emotional Journey

 today I've told myself i have a girlfriend  (I've had serious anxiety all day after waking up the second time(the devs) and in the evening i took 3 4ths of phen. then another.. half. was standing on the balcony w Einy while he was eating grass and it was cold and calm and i had a little release and a revelation) i want her so much sometimes. it feels good to know i am no longer alone, to have a girlfriend again, wish it was as new and волнующе, as it was with A. but it won't. and it's ok

 im on a plane, im in the body or like REALLY close to someone that i cant see but who doesnt speak but is being talked to by Grims and ElnMsk. The real ones. Grms is making fun, of them or with them? of them. I can hardly believe this is my grms. I am no longer in the seat. I look at where ive been - its a row of toilets, two ppl on them, man and woman, shitting, grms and msk are beside them, pointing fingers and being funny. The toilets are in front of the rows of seats. By the fact grms and msk are here i can tell this is first class, And these two on the toilet are also first class. A woman holds her head in her hands, she lowered her head. In exhaustion and despair at these two. A man sits unmovingly. no reaction to the shenanigans. I look at grmese and think-feel that i thought she is better, she is a good person, and this is her real self.. Oh also i address mom about how the toilet is in front of everyone and she annoyedly shuts me up. I try to point at it again, she is eve...

 music of the dream lotus .... by Hayley Williams (and i will not compare other beauty to mine) start: vasily, he is trying to get inside or keep the door open. my mother just told him no about something. mom pushes the door closed but he still keeps it open, i join her, no wait i join before she pushes that hard. i really try but i realize he is really strong, despite alcoholism and age. I'm to my mom's right now. we are pushing together, but he keeps it open. i feel a bit of a threat. thankfully, yuri from the fifth floor and also from our floor was coming down/opened the door and saw. i was afraid he won't hear the threats of vasily but then that fuck did it again. and he took him.. by the hand? and started talking to him in the middle of our flight of stairs. i think ok HE can kick his ass easy no problem. I'm almost about to hear his life story. I'm at the store, the non-existent now one, where I've met that classmate girls mom. i realize i, we are safe fro...

 I am on the balcony and guys screamm to me about Where to find something i think. I tell or something. They are glad. I show the horns they cheer. I am on the vasily balcony. I think about how SCARY AS FUCK it would be to stand on the railing HERE, It would unimaginable. I shudder. I AM there.  I am so high above the ground it pains me. I am on dacha, i suddenly have a cultivator machine. I try it, it works, its easy to operate. I churn earth, i switch speeds, NOW it works great and fast. A big portion of our land is done, the rest is getting done slower, i switch back and forth between speeds. on the first it barely does anything. on the highest i am afraid it will cut my arm off. Arm off. I keep imagining it snapping back at me. There are neighbours present. Its night, moonlight. It feels a bit magical. I churn earth, I prepare for planting, for harvest.

 a dream where i am at school, its night or evening- its dark. I am about to get outside, gohome maybe. The abuser stands near the doors to the acting hall and the gym. He wants me to go with him. He is very insistent on that. I think at first i am like.. Ok. but almost instantly I feel i dont need to go with him. Bc if i do there will be people, and him, who will try to [my brain says Corrupt, and it is not wrong.], indoctrinate. Maybe. Theres a danger of harm. So i say I wont. I m staying. He is mad at me. I think. Does he go alone outside? i think. i feel relief. I go to down the corridor, into OUR corridor <3, I think - I shouldve/should next time just stay away from him, stay upstairs, hide?, go through the second exit. I feel like he will still be MAD mad at me, angry, but it will not affect me. ANd i feel a guilt of resisting the violence/abuse, you know the feeling. the disgusting I Must Submit I Must not Resist one. Fuck it and fuck him. I am resisting, I am hiding, I a...

 Oh yea, the dream from yesterday about A, talking to me, to us, via the carpet on my wall. She is affectionate and misses us, me. Then theres a cold, distant A, who talks without much emotion, she is married to a Middle eastern/caucasian man in ... that arabic hat. He gets suspicious about the framed photo of her I hold in my hands. I hold it hard, the frame gets a little bent. I tell him we are friends, WE love her, she loves US, and we desire for her and HIM to be happy, bc we are friends and love [THEM?]. anyway i lie thru my teeth, with the usual feeling i have when i do suck up to someone powerful. He believes i think.  And when i look at the photo again, its her, the heart is in the front, her legs are naked and her butt is in undies, pink, and i marvel at the photo and the fact that he didnt react to that in any way (even tho i showed him, put it right in front of his face). Anyway. I keep try to see the secret message on the carpet, and the first time- easy. i dont re...

 I've been trying to find a way to subscribe to Prototype mag, but couldn't find a link anywhere. wrote "Prototype mag subscription" on the fields of a mag. clicked it. then another. and another. mom threw away the Prototype mags i cared about and there was something sexy in them  I'm gonna try to find Prototype mag in real life (or make it! all the unusual ideas, too weird for mainstream publishers, too novel, the prototypes of ideas) (or just a mag about prototypes)

 being with A... it's something... it's something that just doesn't happen often in this world. it's the best possible outcome.  *touch bath with knee* (as i say that i feel the sheer impossibility of me being with her ever. and a small, miniscule chance of it nevertheless still happening. and i want that to become true)

 A dream where there were actual nuclear warheads around te apartment, left by Vlad. A small warhead on my table, i picke dit up and jerked bc i thought it is exploding but it was just some sound. Ive put it on the balcony shelf, on a soft fabric. But realized cats can get to it and drop it down and we will die. they will die. and i was searching for a better placement on the balcony. two shelves - far right (no relation questio mark), which was left when ive put the thing there, and the left one, which is now on the left. Aunt is here. I think about picking the warheads up and moving them away from our apartment. I know its heavy but i think i can do it, a baseless hope that is only fueled by my hubris. After I talk to aunt I search for them and they are nowhere to be found. I touch air where mom's hand is, beside the mirror wher there used to be incenses. I think maybe they are invisible now. But noW! the space is empty! Grandma comes up from the left. There are many ppl in the a...

 all the impractical plant pots, small, medium, big, ive collected are outside stacked on top of each other, kinda in columns separated by the sizes of pots. and i finally can come pick them up and USE them. It feels a bit strange to stand under our neighbours windows, under my balcony.  While im at it i need to pick up the coco soil.  There are nuns, passing by. Lots of ppl, not only nuns. They dont mind me. I dont feel threatened. All the little unusuable (Bc pots are made of some mesh, circles, spring colors) skills ive acquired are now ready to be used, can be used also before that i was smoking small, relatively, thing cigarettes, looked self made. Not by me. I was doing deep inhales, but not right away, shallow first. But fast anyway. Rushed. I couldnt believe how long the cigarette lasted, and how long it wasnt extinguished. It barely seemed like smoldering in the end, but it was! and a good amount too. (memory recovered during the smoking in the bath scene in Ridi...

 Dream in which i and a girl and a man crawl, as a part of our job through narrow underground tunnels, not reinfortced, just soil. i feel safe and then i dont, sure and then not, sure in myself and then not.  [I am too wide to fit into the situations i am trying to get into i need to go outside onto the surface],  and when they crawl into one particularly narrow, uneven, bulging-walled tunnel i stop and am afraid to go because i FEEL, i KNOW i will get stuck, but they encourage me. I dont know how THEY did it since they seem to be kinda my size? and i feel "Ok! ill just crawl i know it looks impossible but when i do it it will become possible". And just as i start into that part of the tunnels the ceiling begins crumbling due to my big frame.  (I feel pretty safe and certain in myself before the last tunnel and only when i am getting sorta outside of the normal size zone do i feel threatened) I keep trying to get through bc ive been told i totally can do this means w...

 Was concerned about breaking mirrors, but then recalled that Ive been breaking mirrors all the way [my head says - this entire time]. By walking through them - which breaks them right as i walk. or by smashing them. Or it doesnt even matter because I walk through them so much I am immune to the effect. They might not break I just come in close contact I am basically for a short period of time merge with them? [unsure about this]. Anyway I telepport thru mirrors which sometimes breaks the and it doesnt affect me. Even the sharp glass. (In a dream i recall going thru the thrown away mirror that didnt belong o us with thick glass.) I am suprised and relieved by this discovery [of a memory]

 The dream where there are two bags, mom, trams, a nice ticket lady, boarding the tram but forgettting the bags. going back to the station, trying to run (running in rain is faster and feels much better, easier) to get to the last station b4 the tram does, not getting there, but recalling mom and I buried the bags when we were waiting for the tram. Getting the bags,talking to a nice tram ticket lady, being relieved. Is this about how I already have all the things i need to move out? To move on? BUt they are just hidden by my mom? Even tho her intentions arent evil? Just protective? Lets hope so

 A dream: Vasily was at out apartment and i was trying to get rid of him. Afraid he was going to punish me for... like being rude to him? then i WAS! ad he did NOTHING! I was pushing i was relentless and he just.. Went away? "I just needed to not stop, to be agressive!" Mom, i think, was not a big fan of me being rude but also didnt really want him here either. So it was on me to push him out. He might return back down here from his apartment but i will be ready