An Emotional Journey

 dream about dahmer, with a beard. about the stupid game dev probs lol. a kitten fell from the fifth floor. i saw her stumble. she died not long after. a kid and his mom crying. fuck today. I am not emotionless. dreams post 28. Cats many cats near the balcony. two level balcony (like in one of the dreams, remember?). there are tow cats below but i cant really see. One of them is an older cat. grey, mature, 8 or 9. I realize i dont feed him.  and i dont know how he survives, and i feel bad, like those horrible times, remember? I figure he finds some food, low grade probably. I want to feed him good food. even though he isnt my cat and i dont love him, he deserves good things and good life. also im trying to not let kittens on the balc, bc obv. i see p*tin, i talk to him, i suddenly realize i am not afraid of him i call him ты, for i dont fear him and dont tremble. that would be a normal, usual reaction for him. i think he realizes i am not scared. i can tell him any thing i thi...

 Dream where i am forced by mom to drink c*m of dozens of men. Flavouring helped but not completely. only made three gulps. (Mother makes me accept desires of many men. even adding something that makes that taste differently doesnt really help, for i KNOW what it really is. but i can do SOME of what they want. theoretically i would b able to do everything, but i REALLY dont want to, it feels to me it is wrong, it would make me feel unclean, dirty, WRONG. no matter what the consequences are of displeasing these men. )

 I woke up in a dream. i felt confident ALLOWING myself to realize i was conscious and not just imagining things. Not just recalling the previous instances of lucid dreams or paralysises. And when after feeling myself asleep and awake for a while (honestly, maybe like ten seconds. but it was SO CONFIDENT) I suddenly had a desire to wake up and i woke myself up. Instantly. Full control.

 Kate agreed for me to come over. then said i cant yet. i worry. i will come tomorrow.

 i enter a radio place and ask, shyly if i could be a host or work here (i mean work  not be a host). Young women. old man, who has worked here for 4 decades. he touches my face.. in a gentle manner, but creepy too. bc he didnt ask permission, and i blame myself for not saying Stop. or not pushing his hand away. or hitting him. they accept my offer and i will need to show them what i can do, create some content, research, write.  before that i enter a room, like an interrogation room but good. interview room? and there is a woman and a man, guy that works with her. i look at her, then at him and spew "my god you are so fucking beautiful.....!" with a gasp. i realize that might be gay, but I'm not, and saying it once, especially when it's so glaringly obvious that he is a miraculously beautiful man (i feel warmth when i say that to him. he smiles. i feel that i can do it with him. he is one of the men who can have me. but is it safe? (this thought is just now probably)...

 my poor silly sister  i love you  i worry about you and your daughter  i wish you nothing but happiness and being far away from this prick  please please please i want you to live and to love and to be safe  i love you  i love you

 I've killed many people today. But the last two.. they won and were going outside, an asian woman and that SNL dude who played trunp. or similar looking. I was going to be ok with it, to make mysself be ok with it. but i went after them with a broken beer bottle in my right hand, the neck and the jagged glass. I stuck it in their necks, getting the chunks out almost. Dead. Now, there were cleaners, and after the murder party we had they cleaned most of it, almost all of it, no evidence, and they helped to dispose of these two bodies.. that were like.. not agreed upon? or something. but i became terribly afraid of cops getting me. THe most at first, then it had subsided. Now i was hoping the time will pass and everything will be too forgotten to matter, that the extant evidence wont be enough to make a connection to me. And i was going to go far from this dance/ball hall ...  A table, bloody table. Cleaners, other killers, innocents, servers/restaurant workers. were some of th...

 things are slow with Anya, but she doesnt seem to be annoyed with me, but i am SHAKENING with fear and antici pation. This is so adult, this is so much new things i need to quickly learn/accept/be brave enough to do. Its a good thing. Its a growth thing. I invite it.

YESTERDAY! IVE INVITED A GIRL! ON A DATE!! AND BEFORE THAT WE ALMOST SEXTED WITH PAZ its bc of her i was able to invite Anya on a date!!! and i said DATE to her! and she was on board! And she responded IMMEDIATELY after ive sent her an invite. She really likes me???

 im looking for a тетрадь with my drawings and stuff ("It is time to open it again" or something). i look at the one with Galkina on the cover (or a girl similar to her) and it feels kinda right, but also i recognize that this is the kind of art notebook that i used back in the bad day. So i skip it and search for the one i actually wanna find. I recall using it, drawing? in my room (different room), my back to the wall adjacent to the balcony, cozy. I realize where it can probably be, the A's box with a plane! I open it and searrch. Not thoroughly. I imagine the tetrad, how it feels, how it looks, its A4, ragged, like the excersise books that i [hate].  I realize i still have the tetrad that belongs to a girl who landed it to me. We talked once but she gave me her number. And she is cute. There's another book/tetrad/whatever from another girl. And i also need to give it back. at first i am like UGH i didnt so now i feel terrible. but then i realize i can just text th...

 Im back again on the fifth floor (lots of real REAL fast descention down the stairs. im SO GOOD at this now. barely any slowing down in the air. is this a good thing. i feel like it is). Ira and Vasya left for some times, went to relatives, and their apartment is left to us. I go upstairs. Im inside. when i touch something he probably or def touched i feel icky. But unless it s a definite TOUCHED a LOT i dont feel i will wash myself from that. Looking thru the balcony window. Going to the kitchen to look at the old ways the things were on the walls. But they are mostly not that way anymore. They are not there. I wanted to see them  question mark. (I feel that i dont wanna touch anything, walls, but still to go there and look, i ingore the possibilty of touching. AND a little bit of not being allowed? there? or like... not being supposed to be there) (as i do those and other things, after doing most of them, i think OH maybe they have webcameras around. He would oh he WOULD. i...

 skateboard! i can ride skateboard! and it has rubber wheels so i can ride it at home and i do! i am not falling. I can even stand/balance on it with my eyes closed  our (new?) house has a cellar, i need to dig, we've bought this old house. Sam also had theirs, and theirs has it all clear, a tunnel to the caves. i dig until i come into the presence of a Christian cave. many statues of J and M. a stove. at first I think maybe i should forehead touch the statue of J. when i decide not to, a fear of the cave starts to slowly grow on me. it's normal and Christian and shouldn't feel like there's something very evil there. but i feel it. it might be just my sick head, i know that. when i get out(i decide to not dig further. i stopped uncovering the caves, the secrets, after I've encountered christians, and was too scared to dig deeper, to a real ending, real answers), it is on the lake shore, no lake, forest, i want to tell my mom, ofc, and at the same time feel it would ...

 school bag, wrong school bag, door not fully closing, Dmitry, talking shit about him, chocolate,  three cats, Murzik 2.0,  abuser, 

 Crabs! he brought crabs, but i dont know how to kill them with no pain. they lie on the balcony, on the metal grate shelf, i hoped they were dead but they were breathing. big huge crabs, different shapes. freezer! of course. i put two at first, then teres a bug,*i feel it at first, it was attached to me, i get rid of him and see that it's probably tick shaped. i look closer and it's клоп shaped. (recalling the clop conversation with vasily). it's bigger now.  bigger than i thought. it has three pairs of legs now instead of four. i put him there too, even though i didnt have to. i COULD JUST LET HIM GO?? i dont know how i ended up putting him there. it's bc it scared me right? it's bc i wanted revenge? or safety, the feeling of safety. i take one crab out he unfreezes a little and is alive. i think Maybe they live in near freezing envo, so this doesnt affect him. I put him back. i cant handle the pointy legs touching me, trying to get me to let him go, but i try to ...

 big hair, dried. i show them to .. mother? thinking she will pop the gasket but she is calm and is like Yea? mhm!  i expect people to react but they just are cool with it.  Wild hair, on my head, grown out, almost too wild, im surprised but feel like this is how its supposed to be. Wet. Rain? I dry them. They dry by themselves. I look in the mirror. A big копна of hair. Way more than would be in reality. they wouldnt be that size wet-then-dry in reality. they would be less. I am frightened but just for a second. [I read about Bill Denbrough and its his hair, wildly in the wind and rain. At the club house. I am Bill Denbrough. I am BIll. I am Bill...] dream where i eat a piece of white paper. i think - this wont upset my stomach, i think, i did it many times. (reminds me of the dream where i ate headphone padding) dream where i go, run to dacha, idk why i don't wanna take the bus, and like less than halfway i remember i forgot my wallet. and i cant ****** (buy something? ...

 Theres a wall the ppl climb, and we are with a group of ..... are here on a bus tour to climb it. something musical. ppl climb and im the last remaining on the ground. The loud speakers are up there and we can control them IF we climb.i try. the strings are there. i am surprised. is it forgotten by someone? junk? they look very weak. i try.  i touch the strings and they are strong when i pull. its easier than i thought. i think i cant get up there. but i keep climbing. i get higher and higher. the mark on the wall. i reach it. another mark, a cross in a circle. the last mark. i reach it with my hand. THEN, slower (than i hoped) with my head (макушкой)(i dont mean - touched it).  note: even before i climb theres Baranova on the right. and she is Sestra. When i turn around at the top, with a line of people and a teacher lady i know, ready to do whatever collective thing we came here to do. music thing, art thing, tribal thing. She, Baranova, says - he shoulndt be here he w...