An Emotional Journey

 I thot i list ya boy Lkke my Column blog Phew I have so much to tell I have done so much wrong

A timeline of my mental decline part deux Sex with K, Second Sex w K, fear of her getting herself pregs. Standing on the street alone feeling absolutely lost and devastasted by the possibility. Alena and me are Done Going off Anaph for the second, less fun time. Hallucinationat the Clinique. Losing my Papers Being touched by vet Being tortured by dentist Losing my Baby Pretty Girl Phoebe RIP Bunny possibly having the same condish (as of the writing this today)

 This is the last summer of my life and I want to spend it nice

 So, this probably awful thing has happened, a vet touched me. Yes just my arm and shoulder. Yes it MAYBE OK, it maybe benign an a misunderstanding. god i hope so. But it felt so not benign. like the moment he touched, the moment he sat down A BIT TOO CLOSE even, i knew its not benign. After vasya touched me w his dick its on sight (on touch lol).  I dont know what a normal person would do in this situation. Should I care? I am not one, and I cant act like one, not without detriment. OK. So i probs wont text the vet i like and ask has she left bc of him. Good idea but idk i dont feel it. Just will try to keep Einy's eyes safe. No visits please I beg. The awful thing is ive started, JUST A BIT, hating Einy. Bc I wouldnt be in that situatiash w o  him. I feel awful for it, but its there, the feeling. And its kinda like when Alena said shes married. I felt that Einy and me are done. NOt entirely, and i wasnt sure. But it felt like what was keeping me and him as father and so...

 я сижу каугерл стайл на унитазе и думаю о том, когда мне удастся вырваться. "даю себе ещё один год, до 36..."начинаю и не даю себе закончить, так как понимаю что это не правильно. это не поможет, наоборот. я дам себе время до сорока, думаю я  я представляю себя мягким (не комплимент) 36-39 летним мужчиной, живущим всё ещё здесь, stuck, с мамой. Пример для детей?  я сижу у окна на коленях, на чем то мягком, на шерстяном свитере мамы? и писаю под себя. колени касаются стекла. я рад что окно заперто, а то я мог бы открыть случайно. я спокоен о том, что меня не могут увидеть голым, тк моя писька в тени. я pointedly спокоен об этом. я смотрю, внешнее окно открыто(нет? не знаю что это). и смотрю на ручку внутреннего, и она повернута. открыто? я поворачиваю чтобы закрыть, и у меня получается его открыть. я закрываю и поворачиваю ручку в прежнее состояние. мне кажется я могу случайно его открыть. я продолжаю писать, очень приятно и свободно. но последнее мне почему то стыдно у о...

 i have a dog now, he is very cute, reminds me a bit of Frosya, i feel calm joy when i play with him. I'm glad we have him. he comes to be pet, his fur is kinky and curly, dense but soft. understanding and friendly, inviting. i don't remember us taking him. it feels like he has been with us no more than two days (is this bc i told mom I'm ashamed of what I've done to her yesterday?)

 Mom was saying i sent a photo of myself instead of the document i needed to send. it was making me angry, in a childhood way.  She came into my room and kept on. I allowed myself to throw nail cutter and a laser pointer at the wall, 1.5 meters away from mom. my uke fell down. She went out of my room, saying "throw at my head next", why did it piss me off so badly? why did i succumbed to the desire to throw a heavy hitting, dangerous pestle. i had an image of doing it right at her head, her head bleeding (or maybe it was later), as  was aiming, i think. I was torn between giving her all ive got, hurting her (the way she hurt me?? is that it), and throwing it behind the door/at something in my room/ but i didnt want to hurt (i meant to say damage) anything in my room and also i didnt want her to not realize i threw it. So i threw the pestle at the door, i hoped it would just hit the dull part and fall, or slide/ricochet and doesnt hit my mom. But to my actual surprise it d...

 Im [verb that expresses instant fear] that Alena didnt receive thee photos of the lake ive sent her (irl ive sent them to Olga <3), AGAIN THE TELEGRAM DIDNT SEND THING AND JUST DELETED IT and OH ive written some things there too! and now i will never recall what thaat was! and will never send them!  Then i realie that ive seen her sent me a photo, first, herself, silently (without a caption), and i just thought it was a rassilka. I go back and look Alena in her apartment. Cyberpunk redesign of her NEW STREAMING PLACE. Very cozy, not the usual jrring rgb dark aesthetic, very calm and HERS. Though its a photo i can see the place in 3d

 I am in my grandparents bedroom, the tv on the window is on. It shows a girl, i aa pink dress, strapless (not really),she is talking about something, being interviewed. I realie she looks like a Alena, so I feel like touching myself looking at her (a possibly pathologic type of desire i keep having lately). She is talking about her old cat, she is asked if he purrs, she says "Oh no, he is VERY old", it tugs on my heart strings. I get almost weepy. I back away and sit down on a couch. My dick is in front of me, pretty big, the shape of it is very well defined (like the guy from wikimedia's testicular masturbatio video ive watched yest.). I think about how Alena didnt come when Murzik died, i get myself angry about it, i suddenly feel justified in my anger, and feel love for her go away, but then i stop and it comes back. And it wasnt real, the anger. even tho it was justified.  I think about how I coulndt go to Moscow to save my life but now its easy for me. and how it wo...

 Alena invited me to some gathering. Its fully not romantic and its clear. Im there, its a big hall many people. She is to my left, between us a guy a boy, i think i came with him and some others (which will become clear only later in a dream). I dont know him, he is a neutral separator.  WAIT. before i get to the hall, Alena and me, we talk. i cant recall what about. then we get to the hall. We talk. Btw theeres no the BEFORE (usually v vivid for me) part, its a present tense narrative. We discuss soething important. Before the hall i think we talked about her husband, god its strange to write it. We came inside along with him. And he sits next row to the right, a sit back. He doest look at us (which feels a TINY bit weird), or me. He looks fairly indifferent and calm. Yet theres something concerning for him i feel. We discuss something important with Alena, its about kids maybe.I dont feel jealosy, i dont feel her aversion or anything, she is my friend who is a bit distyant ...

 When i was looking at this infant i was filled with such joy. Its not mine but im happy to see him. or her! its her right? i didnt notice anything hanging when they were out of sheets. So probs a boy.  So the begining of the dream, a square between roads, rain, snow melting, sludge, dirt. Car stop, oldish man in it, with a baby on the back seat. he get out, NO yes he does and he chucks the water out car, like boat, in my direction, hitting me with splashes/big drops every time, im upset, and a bit mad, but not doing anything but voicing my displeasure. Another man gets hit too i guess, and others, but this man goes to him to fight, what i was thinking, and he gets up to curb, he stops, water cant pass. I go, when man out car, not child. Child now in my magnit bag, ive put food with baby. I care for baby for now. He stole baby from parents. They will get baby but for now i care. I realize put frozen meat and vegs on baby. I think dead. I make peace with dead baby, i lost anima...

My room is flooded. The water from the outside flood is flowing through balcony door into my room. I was away for a while and it is going on. Was I in prison? (look below) Im thinking about pumping it all outside, but this would do nothing, as the flood would just pour back in. And buckets wont help either, its even less effective. I am feeling helpess and weak, and powerless (not the word. its like Frustrated+Powerless?). Then i see a big branch from the tree (of life), just lying here on the carpet/floor. It was here before (it wasnt or i couldnt see it), I thinkfeelimagine cutting it in a way that will make it placeable in the doorframe of baclony, acting as a sandbag, a dam. Saving me. from floodwater.  And I have a handsaw in my hand, with red handle. I start sawing, my thoughts say "Its an all-purpose saw, its best for [metal,aluminum,wood,concrete], but can be used also on [wood? this wood?]", and as they do Im thinkfeeling how good of a purchase that was. (Also this i...

 I saw a dream, I imagined myself being 45 and STILL living with my mom. The embarrassment I've felt, the hurt, the sense of self-betrayal... I dont want this to happen. But i fell unable to stop it. At least in a dream. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- maybe same dream or not - family brought many things to sell, magnitolas, tvs, i took one,  then kate was lying sick, cold, in the bed, i went to check her mouth like cat's  and when i was doing this husband kept saying some shit and i needed him to shut up. When he didnt i started hitting him. and jumping WWE style on him. but he had a таз on his head and he was probs too fat to even get any damage. and he didnt do anything as if i didnt hurt him at all. but it wasnt stopping me. Anyway i hate writing about this. she texted me today like Hi are u asleep. ANYWAY anyway, i congratulated her with her decision to move out ...

 I go down to the first floor of school, i think its night time or evening. it always is.  Its the PE part of it, Alena's and Mine. Its different now.  There are people there, I feel like going to the PE class to exercise. It is a pretty sudden feeling that I CAN now do it. I am capable. Wait no this is a bit later. But the feeling that I wanna go there is now. I go past the ppl. Its dark and blue. Like in that dream. OR NOT A DREAM it wasnt a dream, i was alone with the boys in that hallway when the lights went out or they turned them on and they were saying Tishina Drug Molodezhi. Dark Blue. I see the door to the gym, its where the art class is irl. And there are people too. And THEN i think I will just walk past them and (if they are not my former classmates) do some pullups, bc i probably can do that and its a respectable thing to do actually and its gonna be alright. Maybe even if they ARE my classmates. Then i am close to the open door and there are only guys, from ...

 In grandparents room. Many ppl. Many cats. I look around and we have just... recently moved in here from the second floor apartment. This is new and less.. it has less soul. I want to go back. I realize that new ppl live there now and i cant go back. they dont know me. it would be very awkward to do it. it cant be done. panic sets in, the usual kind when i cant reverse something, or ALMOST cant. but really really wanna do it. I think about taking pills or something to commit suicide, and to write my note about how it is bc i cant live there anymore. [is this childish is this bad]. WHY DID WE MOVE HERE IT WAS SO GOOD DOWN THERE. its not our apartment everything is foreign. My cats are mine. They came with us (interesting, this). Sean and others are on the windowsill. The windows open in a strange way, the slit is very straight and smooth and straight edged. 90 degrees, it doesnt have features, just an opening. And it has less protections here too. And the outside windowsill... it h...

 Alena, her mom, and me are walking. We are standing by the store. Her mom's hair is long and black. Karen Kilgariff? The store... and its my house too? and theres my mom too but theres none? is Alena mixed w my mom?  There's some social or othetwise problem and i say theres gotta be a solution. her mom is not around atm, the house is green, the pale green thats not ..unpleasant, but depressive. The first level is stores, and its plastic and its jutting out from the house. I think Is this where I live... No... Or is it... or something like that. I look up and THEN i understand/feel its my house, despite being where 777 used to be, 3 stories high. And THEN i suggest a solution.. Some solution that might exists. And imagine some plastic extention for windows.I sound and feel отчаянный when i do. Her mom is back and we go in the direction of Vistrel.  The key was given... to Me? To Alena? By Alena? as we have approached the what looks like overroad bridge on the way to big m...

 Alena and me are walking down/up the road from the bank to the "new market place". We pass two kissing couples. I feel this might be my chance to tell her. She stops by the corner wall to the former tech shop. And leans on the wall. SHe looks expectant. I try to come up with something emotional to saay about my feelings. But end up saying something apologetic like sorry i had something to say but uhh. She stands straight with a face of Nevermind... And I still am trying. But we walk to the market now. ANd i still am thinking. At the market we... idk i try to tell her? and i keep saying these общие фразы that sound shallow and feel even more shallow, bc they dont express what i want to. also a feeling that i am running out of time. it began when the dream began, and was getting more intense. but like the feeling of.. when i need to choose QUICKLY  but i dont know what is the best thing to choose. We are at the school ground, middle of the asphalt field. She is taller, she loo...

 We got inside a medical-religious-semieldritch cult. The resistance was fighting them to free their captives (now this included me aand those who came with me). It was opening portals where they couldnt find it. But had to relocate them of course every once in a while (eoiaw). In the end of the  dream the portal was under the bed. it was my bed irl but a bit different. It had moreblankets, sheets on it that were covering the bottom. Many have escaped with resistance's help. actually, all of those who needed to escape. I was the last one. Theres a character, a doctor, who reminds me of my grandma. But not. She is not kind inside.  I talk to her. Then when Im alone for a lil while i am decided and sneak under the bed.(btw this is based on the movie The Cleanse i was watching last night). Head first i wiggle further in. But it stops moving me half way and i internally emotionally panic, bc my legs are out there and if they are seen they will get caught and i will get pulled...

 158/90 is my blood pressure on the right arm. its 146/8something on the left.  i blame medication. but chamomile as well. i also blame my pregnancy scare. i havent taken medication in soon to be 24 hours.  mom's new BP meter stores data on a permanent memory. I will have to explain. i tried to post in a vent room in discord chat but a cat broke the plate and now i think G-d has made this happen to stop me. is this the same as Not Believing Anything has a Supernatural Explanation OR??? can i get an answer?

 First: I am in a bolshaya room, its an empty space/void, pretty well lit. A red butterfly with a stinger is flying around. It sits on one man, its kinda interesting, he moves her and she doesnt fly away. its a funny thing. Someone is filming him. Oh, but first there is another man too, he was the first she landed on. Its just an animal who doesnt understand that we are ppl. Then (and i desired that,) she lands on me. She just walks, then her stingerwith a bulging end touches my skin and she slowly and gently caresses me with it, it goes left to right and back. I am just a little bit unnerved by it but its ok! THEN it gets faster. And faster. And faster. I was a bit afraid she would sting me, but she seemed v friendly and nonconfrontational. But this speed, it felt like anger, like anger was building up inside of her, towards me. And When it got this fast, I have realized she will sting me. So i shoo her away. THIS doesnt sit right with her and she flies right back, clings to me, i...